To get our minds off real problems, let’s discuss Hulk Hogan’s face.
Now, I don’t want any trouble with Mr. Hogan. At 71, he is still capable of coming to my house and beating me with one of those folding chairs before putting me in traction with the Atomic Leg Drop. He has warrior DNA. He is a wrestling legend.
What I must respectfully ask: Sir, do you own a mirror or did Trump steal them?
The Hulkster was on “Fox & Friends” Thursday morning. He was there to promote a new venture, Real American Freestyle. Why the world needs a new wrestling league is unclear. But 99 per cent of viewers didn’t hear a word of his rassling pitch because they were too distracted by his new look: two-tone beard.
The signature handlebar ’stache is white as snow. The rest of his facial hair appears to be spray-painted with black Tremclad. His face resembles a ’70s station wagon. Even a shivering chipmunk would not nest in that hirsute mess.
Does Hulk have a stylist who is obsessed with Oreo interpretive art? Is he on a mission to hybridize Santa and James Harden?
And when did a midlife crisis drift from Ferrari to Fu Manchu?
To gauge if a celebrity fails to promote a new business, just track the headlines following the media hit. Do the stories cover the new business or something else?
Let’s say I decide to market a new vodka. I name it Starka. My publicist books me on “CBC Morning Live” with the dazzling Heather Hiscox. She asks me vodka questions. But viewers are watching and thinking, “Why did this moron paint his teeth bright red?”
Headlines following Hogan’s Fox interview: “Hulk Hogan Looks Dramatically Different After Severe Change to His Face.” “WWE Star Hulk Hogan Concerns Fans With ‘Unfortunate’ New Look.” “Oh, Brother! Hulk Hogan Raises Eyebrows with Dramatic New Look.” “Hulk Hogan’s Horrifying New Look on Fox News Sparks Viewers’ Concern.”
In one screen grab making the social media rounds, Hogan’s visage is worsened by bulging eyeballs. He looks like he sat on a bed of nails or accidentally donated money to AOC. I wanted to yank his cobalt sunglasses off his red bandana to cover up his chin.
My takeaway: men over 50 should stay away from all follicle dyes.
George Clooney. Tom Cruise. Rudy Giuliani. It’s always a visual disaster.
You know how we have age requirements for drinking, voting or driving? We should have a dye age limit for men. You’re 27 and want a purple crewcut next month? Fine. Mister, how about you? Oh, you’re 65? You want the salt-and-pepper to magically regress to just pepper? Sorry. We can’t legally sell you Just for Men. That’s like crack cocaine. You’ll get addicted.
And then you will never stop looking … off.
Hulk Hogan’s face is not just a reminder that we are not supposed to resemble Roland keyboards. It is proof men are now under the same tectonic pressures to look great that women have endured for decades.
Here’s the problem: women are just better at looking great.
Unlike Hogan, no woman would strive to simulate a zebra. It’s not happening. This is why aging men should not feel any shame with flip-flops or Hawaiian shirts. Be comfortable in your own skin and hair. Lean into all those years you triumphed without peroxide.
When I was a kid, my mother would urge my dad to dye his hair. She had a real problem with grey. I don’t know what product was used. Maybe it was Grecian Formula. Maybe it was something off-brand from Little India. Maybe dad locked himself in the bathroom and rubbed his skull with a hockey puck for two hours.
Then he’d emerge and ask, “How do I look?”
Not wanting to risk my allowance, I’d say, “Two minutes for looking so good!”
He’d laugh. But we both knew I was lying. He looked … off.
Pops, your hair should not have the same reflecting sheen as licorice.
I’m taking a stand. I am willing to die on this artificial hill. No more hair or beard dye for men over 50. It’s enough already. That bottle of Touch of Gray is a Pandora’s Box toward a Touch of Unnatural. Put it down or risk side-eye from strangers. Once you screw around with potions, radical grooming is next.
Per CNN this week: “Why Men Are Shaving Off Their Eyelashes.”
Look what you’ve started, Hulk Hogan! Next, men will be sewing their ears into sexy shapes. Brother, please either shave or stop treating your face like it’s a Franz Kline canvas.
We old men deserve warrior role models, not more cautionary tales.
