I’ve supported thousands of couples in navigating their finances, even helping to prevent a few divorces, and these are the five most costly mistakes couples make when dealing with money matters, and how I respond.
They say, ‘It doesn’t matter’
It does.
The truth is, The Beatles were wrong. Love isn’t all you need.
The importance of money in a relationship is right up there with sex, trust, family and work. How you and your partner handle money can either bring you closer together — literally more intimacy — or it can push you apart, risking your whole relationship.
Everything about money is rooted in our individual core value system — how we spend it (priorities), save it (the future), give it (generosity), repay it (risk-taking) and so on. Money decisions in relationships are rarely about money. They carry heavy meaning, as well as incredible opportunity.
I find couples can quickly bring money into “it matters” focus by articulating two or three goals they want to achieve in the next year. It could be saving for a vacation or down payment, celebrating debt freedom, changing careers to earn more money, or simply learning to budget. Goals help couples get on the same page financially, then start working as a team.
They say, ‘Money is embarrassing’
When I hear this, I know the couple isn’t talking about their finances. I know they’re not able to offer each other support during these uncertain economic times. I know there’s likely some fear and anxiety at play.
It could be that they grew up in a home where the subject of money was taboo. It could be that one (or both) have an aspect of their finances they aren’t proud of, like debt, bad habits or no savings. It could be that they have simply never revealed their financial situation to anyone. However, when couples don’t talk about their finances, it leads to resentment, overspending, a money system that isn’t optimized and getting them ahead and, frankly, a whole lot of fighting and stress.
Communication is so important to financial success for couples. My number one tip to break through this habit of not talking about money is to schedule a weekly money date; make a coffee or pour some wine, sit outside and enjoy the summer breeze, prepare a nice dinner at home, and ease your way into the conversation with gentle questions like, “How did you do with your goal to make lunch rather than buy it this week?” If something embarrassing comes up, the goal is to talk it through.
Keep the conversations informative, upbeat and supportive. Communicating about money regularly is a relationship skill you’ll have for life. It shows love and commitment to your future together, and a willingness to learn. It’s also how the two of you will unpack what your needs are, like a budget, a financial plan, an investment strategy.
They say, ‘We’ll deal with this later’
Well, the years will pass, and so, too, will the opportunity to capitalize on compound interest and reinvested returns, to learn to budget with joy and to enjoy money along the way.
Say a couple decides to start a weekly savings ritual and sock away the equivalent of one takeout order, so about $100 per week. In a year they’ll have built just over $5,200 (with a little interest), and a good habit. But over a lifetime together, say another 60 years, that’s $7.5 million dollars when earning an eight per cent rate of return.
I counsel couples to play with a compound-interest calculator together, and see what their money can become when it’s put to work through investing. I also like to suggest getting professional financial advice, at least in the beginning. This tends to expedite learning to save more, budget better and reduce debt faster, all of which can drastically improve a couple’s happiness.
They say, ‘I will lose my privacy’
Believe me, I get it. As an independent business woman, I appreciate autonomy very much. But there are ways to maintain a sense of financial autonomy and still be one team. One of those ways is to jointly agree to a household budget, and within it, allow flexibility to spend a set amount of discretionary money each without having to report back, try to hide it or use a secret credit card — as long as it fits the budget, no questions asked, no answers given. Other couples have a more loose rule like, “If the transaction is over $200, you have to say something about it.” This hopefully allows for a thoughtful discussion before buying begins, and prevents any finger pointing.
Obviously there are some specific aspects of money that might indeed need to be kept private. For example, if one partner has power of attorney on their parent’s finances, that is a confidential arrangement between the partner and their parent, unless stated otherwise.
Privacy needs should not prevent adequate financial transparency, so that couples can plan.
They say, ‘We have our own financial plans’
That’s a great start considering fewer than half of Canadians have a written financial plan they actually follow. And Canadian couples who follow a well-crafted financial plan retire with two to three times more money than couples who don’t.
The trick for couples is to bring these plans together, either by combining them completely (a financial planner or qualified money coach can help with this), or, if that’s too uncomfortable, by sharing them. That way key elements of each plan are incorporated into both partners’ plans.
Problems arise when there’s no financial plan at all, or when one partner gets busy making plans that are not aligned with the other partner’s goals. As an example, one spouse plans to stop working and travel the world at 65, while the other has to work until they’re 75. Wouldn’t it be better to envision how retirement looks together, and optimize financial strategies earlier to hopefully make the best use of everyone’s time and money?
Want to know what most financially successful couples cite as being critical to their financial success? Teamwork. With that, they can effectively build net worth and their relationship at the same time.
