This will be a strange family reunion at the Vatican.
Show of hands: How many of you can go back more than four branches on your family tree? Well, thanks to a New York Times investigation, Pope Leo XIV can trace his lineage back to the 1500s. His Christmas card list may expand this year to include distant relatives such as Justin Trudeau, Madonna, Angelina Jolie, Justin Bieber and Hillary Clinton.
Pope Leo XIV is the new Kevin Bacon.
I wonder how Robert Francis Prevost feels about this: I’m ninth cousins with Madonna? Wasn’t “Like a Prayer” directed by Satan? I’m related to Hillary? My MAGA brother says she IS Satan. Didn’t Trudeau wear brownface? Does he not know 17 of my ancestors were Black?
The Times piece was written by Henry Louis Gates Jr., host of “Finding Your Roots” on PBS. In collaboration with American Ancestors and the Cuban Genealogy Club of Miami, they sketched 500 years of Pope Leo’s past.
“His diverse ancestry reflects the history of American immigration,” wrote Gates Jr. in an accompanying piece. “The forebears identified so far were born in France (40), Italy (24), Spain (21), the United States (22), Cuba (10), Canada (6), Haiti (1) and Guadeloupe (1).”
Nobody tell Stephen Miller. He will dispatch ICE to Rome and cuff the Pontiff.
I don’t want to know my ancestry. I’d hope for a Gandhi and probably end up with a Cyanide Mallika. I’m related to a serial killer? But this is where the world is headed. With advanced genealogy, DNA testing and AI, we will soon get alphabetized lists of distant relatives dating back centuries.
There will be apps with facial recognition. You’re on a date and snap a selfie. Then you abruptly ask for the cheque after a gut-punch notification: the woman across the table is your sixth cousin thrice removed.
It can happen. I once read King Charles and Queen Camilla are blood relatives going way back. Granted, the history of the Royal Family has incestuous asterisks. Could I be related to my wife? It seems unlikely. My ancestors were Indian. Hers were German. And we ended up with kids who love samosas and Nena, so there you have it.
A few years ago, Forbes published a piece on the strange family ties between famous people. George W. Bush is related to Hugh Hefner? Tom Hanks and Abraham Lincoln? Barack Obama and Brad Pitt? Princess Diana and Sarah Palin?
I don’t recall Princess Di ever saying, “You betcha!” during high tea.
What’s interesting is how celebrities are leaning into the Age of DNA. A rather Mad Libs headline in People this week: “Ozzy Osbourne Sells His DNA on Liquid Death Cans for the Low Price of $450: ‘Clone Me, You Bastards.’”
A marketing stunt, yes. But Ozzy really did drink 10 cans of Liquid Death, which were then hermetically sealed in cylindrical cases to protect the genetic code in his saliva. From the cheeky ad: “Now, once technology and federal law permits, you can replicate Ozzy and enjoy him for hundreds of years into the future. Just imagine if you could bring back early 80s Ozzy.”
I’m imagining boozy bonfires and headless bats in my basement.
If you were hoping to one day Jurassic Park the lead singer of Black Sabbath, you’re out of luck. Ozzy’s DNA sold out faster than his final concert next month. Something to remember 30 years from now when a shaggy haired boy with tree frog eyes is humming, “Killing Yourself to Live.”
Advanced genealogy and DNA wizardry should be limited to medicine and law enforcement. True crime podcast listeners already know it is the lab nerds who are cracking the cold cases.
Two years ago, BuzzFeed ran a piece about crimes that were solved decades later by technology. These included the Golden State Killer, Boston Strangler, Times Square Killer, Grim Sleeper and BTK, the nickname Dennis Rader gave himself until he was arrested in 2005 after investigators surreptitiously collected DNA from his daughter. Busted by a swab.
All of this is a great use of genetic testing. Pope Leo being related to Angelina Jolie is not. The late Alex Trebek once asked me if I was related to an author I’d never heard of who also had a “Menon” surname. I shrugged and told Alex I couldn’t name any of my second cousins.
It’s better this way. More relatives, more problems. I have received emails in the past from people claiming to be family and, oh, can I lend them $500? I don’t want this to happen to Pope Leo, though he might use his holy powers to help Bieber though this rough patch.
Pope Leo XIV, the Catholic Church must take a stand against genealogy and genetic testing.
Or brace yourself for a meet-and-greet with cuz Hillary Clinton.
