Your thumb hovers over the send button as you stare into a luminous phone screen. You’ve typed the message out three times, but have deleted it twice. This one feels right, you think.
And yet, you still hesitate.
Would a quick call be better? How about FaceTime? Or is that too much?
Meanwhile, your friend hasn’t replied to your last text in two days but just posted on Instagram. Your co-worker left you a voicemail when a Slack message would’ve sufficed. And your mom? She’s stewing about why you haven’t picked up any of her last 10 video calls.
In a social world where the line between welcoming and disruptive grows increasingly fuzzy, those thoughts and questions linger. Their answers? They’re more nuanced than you’d think, according to experts.
“The default behaviour for weaker relationships tends to be text first,” said Jeffrey Boase, an associate communication, culture and information and technology professor at the University of Toronto.
“But ultimately, after people get to know each other, there can be more variety than that.”
Why do younger generations dread answering the phone?
Phone calls are a lot less common now than they were decades ago, according to Anabel Quan-Haase, a sociologist at Western University who researches digital communication.
Gen-Zers and millennials both feel anxious about phone calls with someone they aren’t close with, compared to older generations, she said. That anxiety may come from the fact that a phone call can feel like an invasion of privacy. A sudden call might also spark concern. It can make people wonder if there is an emergency or if something is wrong, said Boase.
Calls can also feel confining, Quan-Haase added. Unlike texts or voice notes, where people can respond when they choose, a phone conversation creates a social obligation to engage in real-time. A call can also come whenever removing a sense of control from the receiver, she said.
“Texting or voice message allows us to receive the message, process it on our own time, and then reply when we feel ready,” she said. “Without (that) opportunity, it makes it feel like we need to respond right away.”
When are video calls more acceptable than phone calls?
A video chat is typically arranged ahead of time with someone you are close with, Quan-Haase said. It provides a shared hybrid virtual space as people can multi-task while holding a conversation, she added, giving an impression of “togetherness” and signifying a tighter bond.
But attitudes toward video calls vary widely across generations.
“For many older generations, the idea of having a long video chat that is ongoing while both communication partners are engaging in other activities seems not only rude but pointless,” Quan-Haase said.
Video calling norms for younger generations are related to the introduction of different digital media in the era they grew up in, Quan-Haase said. Those generations may prefer it as each person on video call can multi-task while in conversation, making it a way to share part of their day.
They are generally more acceptable with family members, romantic partners or close friends, said Boase. While video calls also happen in professional contexts, they’re typically arranged ahead of time and have a clear purpose.
And there is one rule of thumb all should consider: never video call a colleague out of the blue.
“It would be considered rude and it would interrupt a person’s work day,” said Quan-Haase.
What to consider before video calling someone
Before hitting that video call button, it’s worth considering two key things: how close you are to the person and what you’re calling about.
Your bond with the person you’re calling can help determine if the call is appropriate, and the topic will help establish if it should be placed, Quan-Haase said. A call will likely be welcomed, for example, if the issue is urgent and the person is available. However, if it’s just to say “Hi” in the middle of a workday, then it could come across as disruptive.
“Close friends would be expected to know what their friends’ routines are and place a video call accordingly,” she said.
The history of interactions with close friends can help determine what medium of communication they prefer, Boase said, but that can always vary in each relationship.
“There’s no one way of doing it or no sort of one understanding that everyone agrees on, especially when it comes to these closer relationships,” he said.
Spontaneous calls can carry both benefits and downsides, Quan-Haase said. It can offer frequent social contact, reduce feelings of loneliness and help people reach out across different friendship groups. But it can also leave people feeling overwhelmed.
Tools like Do Not Disturb and Caller ID have made it easier to manage those boundaries.
“It gives receivers of calls much more control over their social accessibility,” she said. “They can determine not only who they want to talk to but also who they want to talk to when and how.”
Should I take a call in public?
When accepting a video or phone call, it’s also important to be aware of your surroundings, Quan-Haase said.
Sometimes, people will accept one in public or on transit without headphones, causing loud disruptions — though it doesn’t happen often, she said, as people typically understand social norms in shared spaces. However, it may feel like a more frequent occurrence, she said, because it’s “not only annoying, but out of our control.”
A personal rule when reaching out for Boase is to always be thoughtful of someone’s schedule, especially when breaking a typical pattern of communication.
For Quan-Haase, home life is a little more flexible, as she’ll often video call her children.
“I must admit that my kids, who are Gen Z, will often ignore my video call … But in this case, they know I don’t understand the social norms and also that as the mom I want to connect,” she said.
“So, they accept that their mom will just bug them, as they refer to it.”
