Recently, Maria Shriver appeared on “Today with Jenna & Friends” and discussed her son Patrick Schwarzenegger’s upcoming wedding to model Abby Champion. Host Jenna Bush Hager weighed in on the guest list situation, recommending the “no ring, no bring” date rule because, she said, “otherwise, you could be with people that you never see again.”
Shriver said she herself had suffered the consequences of that rule in the past; she remembered being forbidden from bringing then boyfriend Arnold Schwarzenegger to her close friend’s wedding due to their not being married yet.
Shriver’s guest list conundrum is a common dilemma these days as nuptial norms shift and change in the modern era. Etiquette and lifestyle coach Nuwan Sirimanna of the Oakville-based Etiquette Matters Institute of Etiquette finds that people today are more relaxed about traditional wedding rules. “Many old-school customs, like formal dress codes, strict gift lists and printed invitations, have been replaced with more modern, flexible choices,” he says. “Couples now often make their weddings more personal by mixing cultures, skipping big traditions or even planning non-traditional events like backyard or brunch weddings.”
Toronto has its own unique challenges in terms of wedding etiquette as well, Sirimanna says. Our status as a big multicultural city means no two weddings are the same, so it can be tough to know what the rules are. The cost of living here is very high, making it harder for both hosts and guests to meet expectations. And our innate Canadian politeness means we may have trouble saying no, whether it’s enforcing ceremony rules or turning down destination wedding invites.
So where do locals land in terms of some of the most common wedding etiquette issues these days? We polled Torontonians online, and they chimed in on some of the most pressing issues, including the “no ring, no bring” rule, the child-free wedding trend and where we’re at with paying for your plate.
No ring, no bring
In many circles, especially in diverse cities like Toronto, Sirimanna says, the strict “no ring, no bring” rule is becoming less popular and is often seen as outdated or too rigid; some couples, however, still use the dictum to keep their guest list manageable and stay within budget, especially if space is limited.
Julia Marrocco’s rule? If she’s never met you or her fiancé has never met you, you’re not invited to their wedding. “This is due to the intimate nature of our wedding of about 80ish people and also, quite frankly, cost. Weddings are expensive: I mean, $30,000 is a cheap wedding in this city,” she said.
Marla Malcromoni comes from a big family, so she set up her own rule: Plus-ones had to be together for a year or longer. “We didn’t want randos attending, anyway,” she said. For her wedding, Gaby Ventura allowed plus-ones for people who didn’t know anyone but the bride and groom; if people knew others at the wedding already, they didn’t get a plus-one.
There are many people today who don’t ever intend on getting married and have perfectly valid reasons for it, according to Jamie Seguin-Law. “I’m not going to punish my friends or family in long-term relationships just because they aren’t intending to spend a stupid amount of money to make it legal,” she said.
Other people are keen to open up the guest list to whoever the guest feels most comfortable bringing, even if that’s just a friend. Many of Alexis Danielle’s closest people don’t have partners, and she said she wouldn’t want them feeling left out. “Platonic love needs to be celebrated and recognized in our society more.”
Kid-free weddings
Sirimanna says asking for a child-free wedding is entirely acceptable in today’s etiquette — and it’s becoming more common, especially in North America and Europe.
“I definitely stand by the no-children rule. I have seen weddings ruined by crying infants, and what’s worse, the parents don’t do anything about it. That’s what babysitters are for. I requested this at my own wedding,” Margo Walton said. “And I like children. Everyone assumes if you don’t want children at a wedding, you dislike kids. It’s the couple’s day and they are the star.”
One commenter mentioned that if they had invited everyone’s children, 50 per cent of their wedding would have been kids. While some find that stance repugnant: If Jessica Arseneau was invited to a wedding and asked not to bring her children, she said she would not attend. “Don’t care if they are family or friends. To me, that is the biggest insult.”
Mehetoi S. is, however, very supportive of the no-kid wedding. “Just get a babysitter or don’t come; it was your choice to have kids, not mine,” she said. “Kids would be bored and disruptive at a wedding anyway: Why are you going to subject them to that?”
Marrocco feels just as strongly that kids can be an integral part of a wedding: She refuses to abide by the popular no-kids rule, she said. “We have at least 13 young children in our family and friend group, and it seems especially cruel to not include them in on our day,” she said. “Besides my personal belief that children are a gift and should be treated with respect and care, I also think it’s ridiculous to ask friends and family to seek out babysitters to come to our wedding. Especially when most of their top-choice babysitters — like parents, grandparents and siblings — won’t be able to babysit because they’ll be at the wedding.”
Some cite the lack of consistency in kid-free rules as the most galling of all. People have complained about being told “no kids” and leaving their kids at home, only to see little ones at the wedding. “No-kids rules don’t bother me, but if you’re going to make it a rule, then be consistent!” said Stephanie Radcliffe.
Pay for your plate
The typical range for a wedding gift in Canada is between $100 and $200 per person, according to Sirimanna. For close friends or family, it’s common to give $200 or more. “Some guests aim to match the estimated cost of their meal at the wedding, which can range from $100 to $150 per person, depending on the formality of the event and the venue,” he said. If you’re attending as a couple, Sirimanna suggests doubling the amount, or at least increasing it, and if you’re bringing a plus-one, it’s common to add 50 per cent to 75 per cent to your gift, especially if it’s a formal event. For children, a smaller additional amount is polite, but it’s not expected to match the full adult rate.
Regardless of this standard, many chafe at the transactional vibe of covering your food and entertainment costs. As Kame A. put it, “weddings aren’t restaurants — guests shouldn’t be expected to pay for their plate.”
Zachary S.‘s close family member is getting married this year at an expensive venue, and it’s already been implied everyone should cover the cost of the plate — and it’s causing them great stress. “$170 to $200 a plate seems excessive for anyone to commit to; I mean, unless you want to,” they say. “I personally would never make that decision and am struggling with that expectation on top of hotel, clothing, commute, time off work, babysitters. At that point, I would rather just take a vacation.”
