Can changing a diaper be a teachable moment?
I have changed hundreds of diapers in my time and the only lesson I absorbed was that I do not like changing diapers. But researchers in Australia would say I was doing it wrong. For example, I did not get permission from my twins before breaking out the Pampers.
Per a recent story in The Conversation: “Nappy changes are not just a chore to rush through. You can use them to teach consent.” Sample advice: “At the start of a nappy change, ensure your child knows what is happening. Get down to their level and say, ‘you need a nappy change’ and then pause so they can take this in.”
Then add, “Should I diversify your RESP or do you want to be an influencer?”
There is nothing wrong with teaching children about bodily consent. But doesn’t it make more sense to wait until they are capable of understanding the words coming out of your mouth?
When I was changing diapers, I could have cited cases from the Human Rights Council and my daughters would have looked up at me with the same expression as when I made airplane noises while giving them spoonfuls of porridge.
And why are new parents encouraged to sound like doctors during a Huggies change? From the story: “While you are doing this, use the correct anatomical terms — vulva, penis, anus. Parents may feel uncomfortable doing this and think more childish names should be used.”
It sounds reasonable until your baby girl’s first word is “vagina”? You get a call at work from your spouse who shouts, “Noah just talked! He said testicles!”
The problem? New parents are deluged with too much advice. There is a taxonomy of styles that conjure machinery and the animal kingdom: Helicopter Parenting. Tiger Parenting. Snowplow Parenting. Dolphin Parenting. Lighthouse parenting. Jellyfish Parenting. Attachment Parenting. Free-Range Parenting …
The next trend will be Semiconductor Spider Monkey Parenting. You just silently process in the background as the child hoots and climbs the curtains.
There is no mutual consent when your dog barks because it needs to go outside. It doesn’t matter if you are defusing a bomb. You stop what you are doing and head out so Rex can take care of business somewhere other than the carpet.
A dirty diaper is no different than a barking dog. That baby is crying because it is soaked or soiled. Or you smell something real bad. That is not the time to have a phantom convo about consent, hedonism, Scientology or the shocking elimination on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Show of hands: Who can remember having your diaper changed as a baby? Nobody? Babies don’t store long-term memories. The irony is now I forget the biological explanation. Something to do with neurogenesis, hippocampus and infantile amnesia.
My mom once told me she read Percy Bysshe Shelley poems to me when I was a baby. I don’t recall a word!
Good parenting involves taking charge and making unilateral decisions when warranted. A dirty diaper is always warranted. That’s why there are change tables in public washrooms. A dirty diaper requires prompt action — not blather.
A dry and clean baby is a happy baby.
Not everything needs to be discussed and negotiated, especially when one side can’t yet talk or walk. Babies are helpless compared to other species. A sea turtle is pretty much independent upon hatching. A goat can stand within minutes after birth. An antelope can run almost immediately. A newborn salmon doesn’t need help finding plankton.
Meanwhile, your five-month-old can’t sit up or tell you he just went pee-pee.
At a time when the Ivory Tower is under siege, is it wise for academics to keep taking baby wipes to common sense? If you see a child reaching to touch a hot stove, do you cue an epistemological debate about epidermis and temp limits?
Or do you scream “NO!” to avoid a first-degree burn?
There is nothing consensual about a diaper change. That baby doesn’t even know it’s a baby! My advice to new parents is to sidestep the tips and trends that now change with the seasons. Stick to the old-timey basics:
Be loving. Be supportive. Be patient. Be present. Be interested. Be dependable. Be the person that baby may also want to be one day. Show don’t tell.
I just jumped. My phone and watch started squealing like a runaway ambulance. It’s 12:55 p.m. on Wednesday and I gather this emergency spam was a test for the Ontario Alert Ready system. Maybe we’ll get another alert when there is a new Greenbelt scandal.
It’s a shame babies can’t send out a digital signal when they need to be changed.
Then we’d know it’s time to hold our noses and shut our mouths.
