Today’s question: Are cats sexist?
Over the years, felines have inspired nerds to conduct some weird studies. One concluded cats can detect human emotions but don’t really care about your feelings. Another noted how cats are terrible at judging heights. This explains the scratches near the top of my fridge.
Did you know cats can obey the same physical laws as liquids? Did you know cats understand object permanence? Or that if you slow-blink at your cat it is likely to slow-blink back?
Now a new study out of Turkey finds kitties meow more at men than women.
Researchers at Ankara University studied 31 cats and their owners. The human participants were asked to record videos when they entered their houses. Researchers analyzed the footage: when a female walked in the door, the cat meowed an average of 1.8 times in the first 100 seconds. When a man came home, the meows spiked to 4.3 in 100 seconds.
The cats, like human cougars in Ottawa, also got louder around dudes.
The conclusion? Allow me to paraphrase from the journal Ethology:
Women have superior communication skills with felines. Men are less verbally engaged. Therefore, cats need to make more noises and at a higher decibel because they believe a man needs clearer guidance.
In short: cats believe men are bad listeners.
Cat thought bubble when woman enters: “Phew! Our competent leader is back.” Cat thought bubble when man enters: “Great. Here comes the one who keeps losing his sunglasses.”
How can I keep loving my cats if they think I’m a moron?
Then again, when my wife is in the room, our cats do have the mute temperament of a Windsor Castle butler. Is it because she speaks to them in complete sentences: “Are you having a good day?” “You’re such a good one.” “Should we trim your claws today?”
Meanwhile, when I’m feeding Willow and Flynn in the morning, they chirp like I am hearing impaired and may have forgotten how to open a can of Royal Canin.
Researchers believe cats “adjust their communication strategy” based on caregiver gender. Now I’m getting paranoid. When my wife is on the couch, Flynn cuddles in her lap. They watch TV together. He even seems to follow the plot.
Meanwhile, when I’m watching TV, Willow sits on the floor and stares at me with vague anxiety, like she’s expecting me to jump up and face-plant over the coffee table or accidentally set the throw pillows on fire.
Per a story in Phys.org this week: “The study also found that cats use several forms of communication when greeting their owners. They adopt friendly social behaviours (tail-up posture, approaching and rubbing against the person) and coping behaviours (yawning, stretching, scratching).”
This reminds me of something. There was a day last winter when I was carrying in shopping bags from the car. I put them on the deck. Willow and Flynn were waiting at the patio doors. They were on hind legs, stretched up like they were trying to give me a high-five through the glass. Their mouths were moving.
When I pivoted to make a second trip to the trunk, my right foot slipped in the snow and I crashed to the ground on my backside.
The cats looked at each other like one of them had just won a bet.
What this study really shows is that cats are plugged into household dynamics more than we imagine. They are not daydreaming — they are making value judgments. They eavesdrop when my wife is on the phone with one of our daughters away at university. They conclude the woman is the organized one, the problem solver, their best bet for survival.
Then they spy on me as I’m struggling to open a pickle jar while listening to a UFO podcast and wonder, “Is the man a complete idiot? Did he even remember to clean our litter boxes?”
Women complain about how men are bad listeners. Now cats are entering the battle of the sexes and siding with the ladies. Cats turn into fire alarms around guys because they believe we are about as reliable as faulty vending machines.
Felines should not be treating men this way. It is a betrayal of our ancient contract. Hey, kitties! Pipe down and stop looking at me that way. Why don’t you try to assemble this shoe rack. The instructions make no sense. Yes, I accidentally used the shampoo formulated for blond hair because I don’t wear my glasses in the shower. Enough already.
Alas, it seems cats have analyzed their interspecies ecosystems and reached a scientific conclusion. Woman = 311 + 911. Men = automated customer service line that only gets middling results if you scream, “SPEAK TO HUMAN.”
My slow-blink verdict: cats are sexist.
