There is research, and then there is life experience. Studies can tell you taking a break from social media is good for your mental health; that walking a few thousand steps every day can reduce your risk of cognitive decline; that eating fewer ultra-processed foods can lower your blood pressure.
But studies cannot tell you your biggest regret, the thing you wish you started doing sooner, or whether you view aging as a blessing or a curse. Only life can teach that.
With help from Kensington Health, super aging researchers at Western University and the Christie Gardens seniors’ residence, the Star asked nine Toronto seniors for their wisdom and advice — on staying active, maintaining relationships, aging gracefully and getting the most from life. Some, like 69-year-old Stella Lee, are just entering their third act. Others, like 104-year-old Nancy Roberts, who still lives by herself, have defied the odds. All have learned a thing or two along the way.
“The world is yours. Take advantage of it,” said Al Zikovitz, 85. “You’re not gonna get another chance.”
Here is what they told us.
What is the secret to aging well?
Mary Trapani Hynes, 82: “Attitude is an important part of it, because as soon as you start feeling that life sucks, it sucks. Because you’re gonna live with pain … but if that’s what you concentrate on, you might as well just roll up in a blanket and crawl in and go to sleep and wait for death. Which I don’t really want to do.”
Nancy Roberts, 104: “My standard answer is I never got married.”
What would you tell your younger self?
John Tagg, 72: “Don’t worry about stuff. Just live each day … A lot of people, they go to school and then they say, ‘Oh, I gotta get a job, and then I gotta do this, this, this, this.’ But it’s more enjoyable if you just take things as they come.”
Emiko Millar, late 70s: “Aim big … My son, when he was small, he said, ‘I’m going to have my own company.’ And I said, ‘What is he doing?’ But he owns a company right now … The sky is the limit and just make your wish big.”
Hynes: “Take safe risks. Meaning, yes, you jump out of an airplane, but use a parachute. You jump off a bridge, but you know how deep the water is before you jump. Do things where your heart rate goes up, but don’t do things where you’re probably gonna die … Do things that are dangerous, but be prepared.”
What advice do you have for young people today?
Al Zikovitz, 85: “You only go through life once. Don’t waste it. Don’t let it go by. Do something. Be active all the time. Don’t waste it. That’s my advice to any young person — don’t sit on your ass. Try things.”
Ellie Shuber, 86: “You should wait (to get married) until you know what you want from life.”
Igal Holtzer, 82: “Socializing is face to face, seeing people. None of those other social apps. I like to look a person right in the eyes and talk, or listen. Be a huge listener … You’ve got to listen to what they say and you’ve got to remember what they say … People appreciate when you remember conversations with them.”
Jeanne Moffat, 85: “Every step along the way, there was somebody who kind of encouraged me (and young people should seek that out). They saw something in me I maybe didn’t know I had. They would encourage me by sending me off to a meeting somewhere or putting me in positions.”
What is one thing you do every day that makes life better?
Stella Lee, 69: “I walk along College Street. It’s so beautiful. Before, when I worked I felt, ‘Ugh, it’s snowing, oh, trouble.’ Now I feel, ‘Oh, snow, so beautiful.’ Really, I have that kind of feeling … You see the trees are green and then you see some flowers. You feel good. It makes my day.”
Hynes: “I’m part of a research study at the Kimel Family Centre (for Brain Health and Wellness). I’m there six days a week. I’m doing physical activities, I’m doing arts activities. When I go back today, I’m going to my improv class and after that I have two physical classes.”
Shuber: “I try not to give my kids advice — I have four. Because you feel badly if they don’t take it, and they feel badly if they don’t take it.”
Zikovitz: “Have a scotch.”
What is the secret to staying socially connected?
Millar: “Initiating — getting in touch with them all the time … At Christmas time, I send everyone an e-card … My brother and sister are (in Japan). I said, ‘Let’s do Zoom.’ It took them half a year (to agree). They say, ‘We can call.’ But I want to see you. So I even bought an iPad for my sister. And when I was in Japan, I told her how to do Zoom.”
Hynes: “I’m now starting to meet people my age (at the Kimel Centre, focused on reducing dementia risk) who are not deadheads. Because too many people my age don’t do s—- … They think you’re marvellous if you happen to walk to the shopping centre!”
Zikovitz: “I’m not a social butterfly. My wife and I have our own life here, but … just get out there. Don’t expect people to come to you all the time. You have to go to them if you want to maintain a social life of friends.”
What do you wish you started doing sooner?
Tagg: “Go to different places that have different outlooks on life, and not worry about, ‘Oh, I gotta make a living’ … (My son) took a gap year … He took off for Asia and went all over Asia. I was happy that he did that, but I should’ve done that myself.”
Hynes: “(I wish I stopped) nagging my husband. That’s a little late now, because he passed away already. Can’t change that.”
Shuber: “Being more independent. I was married for a long time and I sort of went along with everything my husband wanted to do. I mean, they weren’t bad things, but I went right from home to marriage and I think had I to do it over again, I would not. I would be independent for a while.”
Is aging a blessing or a curse?
Hynes: “Where I am now, it’s a blessing. But there’s also a lot of sh—-. I don’t walk around going, ‘Wheee! Everything’s beautiful, everything’s peachy.’ Getting out of bed is always a chore. Everything hurts … It sucks sometimes. But overall, I’m doing OK. I’m alive and thriving. So what the hell?”
Zikovitz: “Getting old sucks. Not for the mental part, but only the physical part. You just can’t seem to do what you used to be able to do. But you gotta take it in stride and realize that. That’s part of life.”
Holtzer: “It’s part of the package… You cannot avoid it. It’s gonna come one day. We just have to get the best out of it.”
Moffat: “I don’t believe (in) growing old, you have to feel sad. I’m also not scared to die. I’m ready to go whenever the time comes. I just hope I don’t linger too long.”
What has brought you the most joy in life?
Hynes: “Watching how my son became who he is. I met him when he was turning five, and he didn’t even respond to his name at that point. (He was) seriously disabled … We took him home as an emergency placement when he was six. We adopted him when he was 19 … He’s turned out to be a great human being. Very socially conscious, very caring, very active … My biggest achievement is how he’s turned out.”
Shuber: “Having my children and then the grandchildren has just made me really happy. When they were all little, I was really close to all of them … (The youngest) used to come and sleep over all the time. Now he’s 14 and he’s not gonna sleep in his grandmother’s house anymore.”
What do you have left on your bucket list?
Tagg: “Sometimes I think bucket lists create a lot of anxiety. Should I do that? Or, will I ever do that? … That’s why I think you should just take things as they come.”
Hynes: “Building all the Lego kits I have.”
Holtzer: “I finished it. The only thing I have on my bucket list now is spending time with my grandkids and friends.”
Roberts: “Not a thing. Nope. I just like doing what I do.”
