Romantic comedies have always preached that when you know, you know — so why does it seem these days that more people than ever are fumbling around in the dark when it comes to dating? For those who haven’t sworn off dating apps, it’s a full-time job trying to interpret their latest Hinge match’s message while vetting another new suitor’s Bumble profile. And even if they do make it to an in-person date, the odds of progression to something meaningful can feel frustratingly low.
According to Vancouver-based dating coach Amy Chan, most frustrated single people are just one or two mindset shifts away from meeting their person. They’re not unlucky in love; they’re just lacking the skills and strategy to get there. “The problem is people keep doing the same thing without realizing it and getting the same results,” said Chan, who has been running dating bootcamp as well as breakup bootcamp workshops for over a decade. “They blame the city they live in, or their age, but really, they’re dating with the wrong strategy.”
Now, Chan has written a new book about this, “Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts,” in which she aims to help daters understand their faulty patterns and equip them with the skills they need to find long-lasting love. Here are her key points.
Where you’re getting stuck in the dating process
To help frustrated singles figure out where the problem lies, Chan came up with a framework of five stages that daters progress through to reach long-term partnership.
During the prospecting stage, Chan encourages her clients to use three different methods of generating leads. That could include dating apps, asking friends and family for set-ups, hosting “bring a single friend”’ dinner parties, and joining social clubs or groups.
Next is the discovery stage or vibe check: the first and second date with someone.
During the evaluation stage–dates three to 20–she said daters should ask themselves, Does this person have the same vision for life that I do? Does this person have relational skills I can work with?
The commitment stage signifies a deepening of investment in the relationship: it could be posting your partner on Instagram or introducing them to your family.
Finally, the retention stage is about maintenance, when people have to learn how to keep the relationship strong over time.
The key is to figure out where you get stuck. If a person keeps getting stuck in the discovery stage, not progressing past a first or second date, Chan helps them see how they may be getting in their own way on dates. If they are having trouble getting to the commitment stage, she tries to rewire their thinking around this: “There is no soulmate. You find someone good, and only when you jump in with two feet and help each other go through life’s hard times do you turn a good relationship into a great one.”
The dating app factor
There are external factors at play in dating, too. For instance, dating apps can negatively influence how we think about our options. “The endless scrolling causes us to try to assemble partners like Build-A-Bear,” Chan said, noting many of her clients look for criteria on dating apps that are not predictors of relationship success, like height or income. “We’re optimizing for the wrong things. Technology has caused us to treat people like they are objects instead of humans.”
Chan plans to launch a dating app in which users can “flag” flaky behaviour like ghosting or cancelling at the last minute. Enough flags will get a user kicked off the app.
“Back in our parents’ generation, if you met someone through work or friends and you behaved poorly, there were social repercussions to keep you in check,” Chan said. “Now, if you are matching with someone who lives in another zip code, they can ghost, and there are no consequences. I want to keep the dating pool clean.”
Why we like who we like
The “chemistry compass” is a tool Chan uses to help her clients understand what draws them toward certain people over others. “For the longest time, my chemistry compass was pointing me towards people who made me feel very anxious,” Chan said. “I had the brutal realization that my chemistry compass was broken.” As a result, she set out on a dating experiment to reset it and find a healthy partner, a process she detailed in her book.
Chan also notes that we’ve begun to reject people too quickly, for silly reasons. “I icked a guy because he wore sandals on our second date,” she recalled. “I look back now and think, ‘How emotionally immature was I?’ He was a good guy.”
Four predictors of relationship success
Once you do start a relationship, it’s time to maintain it. Chan has isolated four pillars that she says predict relationship success:
Chemistry indicates your physical, emotional or intellectual connection, which will evolve over a lifespan. Compatibility is the alignment of core values and a shared vision for life (for example, both wanting kids or not). Timing means that the perfect person comes at the right time — the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person.
The piece that many miss, she said, is mutuality: both partners’ equal investment to put work into the relationship. When one partner puts in more effort than the other, it’s death by 1,000 cuts later on, Chan said. “(Someone) can find themselves in a very disempowered place, a shell of a human, and not sure how they even got there,” she said of those who put in more effort than their partners.
In her experience, relationships that start without all of these four pillars can survive, but do so on rocky ground. “Love is not enough,” Chan said. “The reality is that long-term committed partnership is about skill. It’s not about luck, and it’s not even about feelings.”
Part of it is getting through the shift from the relationship’s “passionate” stage to its “companionship” stage. During the passionate stage, Chan said, the sense of possibility around a new partner corresponds with a release of dopamine in the brain. A year to 18 months in, however, dopamine is replaced by “here-and-now” chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin, which allow us to feel safe, stable and calm. Some people believe there’s something wrong with their relationship during this time, when in reality, the shift signifies a new level of comfort.
If you’re not sure if your relationship is doomed or just entering the companionship stage, Chan recommends writing a list of your preferences and dealbreakers in a partner. Then, ask yourself: What are your non-negotiables, and does this person have them? Is there enough good here to warrant working on the relationship?
