In an era of Instagram hard launches, co-ordinated couple Halloween costumes, and nights out that double as photo ops, how couples dress has become a topic of frequent internet scrutiny — especially when there’s a disparity in fashion sense.
Celebrity spouses like Hailey and Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco exemplify what has been coined the “swag gap”: when one partner appears significantly more stylish or polished than the other. But this isn’t just a celebrity phenomenon — it plays out in everyday relationships, too.
The Biebers have a clear difference in esthetic: while Hailey usually appears sleek and glamorous, Justin’s vibe is based on looking like he just rolled out of bed. The difference is most starkly exemplified by their fits for the launch of Hailey’s skin care brand, Rhode, where she wore a red minidress, while he was in a grey hoodie and sweatpants, and Crocs.
Selena Gomez frequently looks far more put-together than her rather rumpled husband, music producer Benny Blanco.
At last year’s Golden Globes, she was all Old Hollywood glam in pale blue column gown, while he wore too-short white pants and sockless brown loafers, prompting much discussion of their swag gap. “When will real people understand that looks are a small percentage of what you should be looking at?” one commenter on TikTok wrote. “I feel like she was forced to marry him. She had no choice,” was another wry comment.
Rebecca Hoppie, a 29-year-old Toronto automotive administrator, regularly navigates this issue with her husband, a mechanic who has little concern for dress code or societal expectations. He’ll happily go out in pyjamas or head to an expensive restaurant in his work clothes. “I would never wear pyjamas in public and would prefer to be overdressed than underdressed at any given occasion,” Hoppie said.
This has caused arguments and eye rolls, but Hoppie said she tries to compromise. “If we’re going to a store, I might ask that he change his sweats for jeans, but he can leave the worn-out graphic tee on,” she said. “If we’re out and I don’t think we’re dressed up enough for a certain restaurant, we’ll just do takeout or go somewhere more casual.” When he’s going out alone, she chooses not to comment on his attire.
But the swag gap can become a source of serious resentment. Shelley Carr, a 56-year-old Toronto operations manager, used to be married to a man who “delighted” in showing up to outings with stained clothing and dirty hands. “I am not talking about a little dirt but greasy, car repair dirt,” she said. “He felt it looked like he was a hard worker. I felt like it looked like he never bathed or washed.”
The issue became a point of contention in their marriage, to the point that Carr eventually refused to go anywhere with him until he washed and changed his clothes. “I felt I had taken the time to look nice for a semi-fancy event and here he was with filthy clothes and hands,” she recalled. The marriage ended for other reasons, Carr said, but the experience stayed with her. When she started dating again, she took note if her dates showed up clean and well-dressed.
For some couples, the swag gap exposes tension around spending habits. Corey Abrams, a 37-year-old Toronto business owner, says he sometimes employs cheeky tactics to discourage his wife from spending too much money on clothing or beauty treatments. “I’ll ask her to look for a lower-quality place to get a manicure or tell her that her hair looks great and that she doesn’t have to get it done as frequently,” he said. “I’ll suggest she get her eyebrows done at an outlet mall instead of in Yorkville.” If they’re passing a fancy store in the mall, Abrams jokes that he may even try to distract his wife by pointing to something on the other side of the corridor.
His wife generally ignores his suggestions, he said, and he doesn’t push the matter, preferring not to let the issue define their relationship. “It’s about trying your best to save money, but if you fail, you take the loss and move on,” he said. His wife said she’s glad he feels this way as she certainly won’t be swapping Yorkville for the outlet mall anytime soon.
Differences in style or grooming habits don’t necessarily cause relationship problems, but conflict can arise when partners assign meanings to these different attitudes, according to clinical counsellor Niloufar Esmaeilpour, founder of Lotus Therapy and Counselling Centre in Hamilton. If one partner perceives the other’s interest in their appearance as vanity, or their lack of interest in grooming as laziness, challenges may lie ahead.
What tends to undermine attraction is one partner parenting or regulating the other’s appearance. Ultimately, successful couples respect each other’s choices rather than attempting to change them. “In terms of compatibility, mutual respect and understanding are far more important than finding someone with whom you share similar interests or tastes,” said Esmaeilpour. “Although there will always be couples with very disparate esthetics, there is no reason why this cannot lead to a strong and emotionally safe relationship for both parties.”
