Doug Wallace is a Toronto-based lifestyle writer and editor-publisher of TravelRight.Today. He is a consummate entertainer and social convener with strong opinions — and razor-sharp common sense. Ask your lifestyle etiquette questions at [email protected].
Never were two words more difficult to say than “I’m sorry.”
David from “Schitt’s Creek” comes to mind, with his creative “I am remorseful over an action I participated in.” Why can’t people just right their wrongs? Easier said than done, I think.
Let’s start with the basic benefits. An apology puts a spat or a difficult situation to rest. It’s a conclusion, a clearing of the air, a punctuation that signals a move forward. And not to make this all about you, but apologizing makes you feel better. There’s no need to have guilt gnawing away at your brain every night before you go to sleep.
When to apologize
Your apology needs to be timely: too soon and the receiver may still be angry, your plea falling on deaf ears; too late and the hurt feelings may have set in and will take longer to heal.
Sometimes it’s best to apologize on the spot, before anyone gets their back up, the tumult blowing over in a flash. But usually the apology window needs to include time for each side to reflect on their feelings — a cooling-off period.
Is a text apology OK?
So are you sending a text? Absolutely not. Emailing is borderline fine, but phoning is better, making the episode more of a conversation than a one-sided admission. If you feel you have to show up at someone’s front door with flowers, what on earth did you do?
As for what to say, you actually need to include the words “I’m sorry” and/or “I apologize.” Spitting this out is the bare minimum. If you were wrong, say so: “I was wrong.” Also good: “I was out of line” and “I wasn’t thinking about your feelings.” If circumstances require you to say, “forgive me,” include that.
What not to say in an apology
Resist the urge to overexplain and never just offer an excuse. You’re making up for something, not trying to make things worse. “I was blind drunk” doesn’t cut it.
Don’t even think about sweeping everything under the shameful rug. Not apologizing is not an option; that merely fosters a grudge, the noses involved forever out of joint.
This may sound harsh, but going forward, you may be able to nip future apologies in the bud by thinking more before you speak. But if you do screw up, and we all do, then own up. We’re better people for it.
