Q I am obsessed with listening to good music. I like all kinds of music but I especially like ‘80s rock. My wife hates it. She only likes whatever is on the radio right now. I like harder, louder stuff like AC/DC, Guns N’ Roses, Bon Jovi, etc. And I love going to concerts, even if it’s cover bands doing the stuff I like.
For a while I would go to music events with my friends and my wife would go out with her friends on those same nights. We took a hiatus when the kids were little but now they’re school age and like to do things with their friends. I try my best to work around them. For instance, I’ll take them wherever they want to go and then go to my concert. My wife tends to go home earlier, so she’s happy to pick the kids up if they’re not having a sleepover.
But now things are getting trickier and she’s getting annoyed with me for wanting to go out. This is who I am and who I’ve always been.
How do I get her to understand I’m not going to change?
A Well, was that part of your marriage contract? That you wouldn’t change for anyone, ever, no matter what? Have you heard of the word compromise? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the music you love, and it’s fabulous you and your wife worked out how to have fun doing what you each enjoy, separately.
However, when a couple turns into a family, there are now other people who are dependent on you, as their parent, to be there for them. As well, your daily schedule now includes your children’s schedules. So, for example, if your daughter has a playoff hockey game on the same day as one of your concerts, you need to make the adult choice to be a good parent and miss that one show.
I know it can be harder for some people, and that’s OK, if you recognize you need to make some changes. It sounds like this is now contentious between you and your wife, so I strongly suggest you see a family counsellor to help you and your wife navigate your schedules. Now is a great time to do this before school and extra curriculars really get under way.
Q I’m feeling some serious mom guilt. Over the summer, I decided to write a book. I’ve been thinking about it for years and the time just seemed right to dig in. I discussed it with my husband and he agreed if I was feeling compelled I should go for it before I lost the urge.
We sent the girls away for two weeks to their grandparents’ farm and I really tried to focus. It took me longer than I thought to find my writing groove, but once I did the words just started to flow and time passed very quickly.
The plan was for me to drive out to the farm and then spend a week with my family. But when the second week was starting to wind down my writing was gearing up. I asked my in-laws if they would keep the girls another week. They were happy to oblige, but then my eldest daughter sprained her ankle and I had to run up mid-week. And now I feel guilty.
A All moms feel mom guilt at some stage of the parenting game. It’s normal. Your daughter’s accident was simply that — an accident. There are two weeks left in this summer. Spend it with the girls and then buckle down when they head back to school. I can’t wait to read your book!
FEEDBACK Regarding sole sister (June 18):
Reader: “I’ve seen many times that what goes around comes around. Karma can either be a bitch or your ally.
“Thirty years ago, I found a fully loaded wallet lying on the ground a few weeks before Christmas. I was unemployed and tempted, but my conscience wouldn’t let me keep it, so I turned the wallet in.
“The very next week I was scheduled for a job interview for a dream job that lasted over 15 years. Hold your head high, give the shoes back to your mother and have her deal with your sister. You will be rewarded and she will suffer the consequences.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the brown toenails (June 10):
Reader: “The cause is a contagious fungus infection under the nail. The remedy is a prescription (about $160, if not covered by your insurance) for a paint-on liquid, applied daily, until the nail grows out.”
