Welcome to Toronto, Swifties!
We are excited to have you and not at all fretting about traffic or Starbucks congestion. Are you jazzed? Ready to trigger seismic activity under the Rogers Centre? Ready to scream your lungs out as Taylor Swift finally brings her Eras Tour to town?
Here are some tips and fun facts to make your stay more enjoyable.
Rule No. 1: Leave plenty of time. If you are going to Thursday’s first show and the hotel concierge says it should take about 30 minutes, that person is a liar. Double all estimated travel times. Due to construction, Toronto has more lane closures than Florida has banned books. The Eglinton LRT line is now expected to open when Taylor and Travis are grandparents.
And if you’re early, a citizen may let you take shelter in his tent near the Gardiner. The “polite” reputation is true. Unless you take forever to order at McDonald’s. Then you will be greeted with sighs and dirty looks.
Would you wear a John Mayer T-shirt to the concert? Of course not. Wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey in Toronto is equally offensive, even if the colour scheme reminds you of the Kansas City Chiefs.
There are more than 9,000 restaurants and about 70 per cent are overpriced. Americans voted for Donald Trump, in part, because milk and bacon were becoming luxury items.
Want to be shocked by really high prices? Go to Loblaws.
Due to popular culture, you may try to fit in by ending every sentence with “eh.” We actually don’t say that here. But you can win over the locals by ending every sentence with, “And don’t get me started on Bell’s customer service!”
Yonge is often called the longest street in the world. Around the Eaton Centre, it also has street vendors that sell bracelets in case you forgot to pack yours. In the vicinity, you may also be hit up for spare change, encouraged to join a cult or handed a pamphlet relaying a problem you’ve never heard of: There is an epidemic of anxiety among ducks?
By the way, Yonge is pronounced young — not younji like Jumanji. The k in Etobicoke is silent, as is the s in Grosvenor. If you rearrange the letters in “Justin Trudeau,” you can spell, “I jutted Uranus.” It’s how many voters now feel.
Expect to wait in a long line if you need to use the restroom during or after the concert. This is where equality has failed women. I have never seen a line outside the men’s room at any event. A politician could sweep into office by promising to reduce city urinals by 50 per cent and converting that reclaimed space into more stalls for women.
The city’s urban wildlife, like the human population, is a diverse menagerie. You may encounter foxes, deer, skunks, squirrels, coyotes. The other night, an opossum was sniffing around my deck with its satanic snout. There are so many raccoons, you may spot one inside the Rogers Centre.
But that is not a polar bear — it is our premier.
Tipping is out of control. There are more tip jars in this city than jam jars. Ask a stranger for directions to Casa Loma — one of few “true castles” in North America — and they might expect a gratuity. If you leave less than 18 per cent at a restaurant, don’t be surprised if the server is mortally offended even if they spilled soup on you.
First trip to Toronto? Eager to sample our national cuisine? Alas, this will involve washing down poutine with Moosehead. Or chasing ketchup chips with Nanaimo bars. I believe sushi pizza was invented here. A Caesar is a Bloody Mary with clam juice. It sounds disgusting but makes for a warming fall cocktail. A beaver tail sounds ghoulish, but it’s just fried dough stretched out and sprinkled with deceptively sweet sugar.
It’s the dessert equivalent of Jake Gyllenhaal.
Grabbing a pre-show slice at Pizza Pizza? That beloved chain was founded in 1967, the last year our hockey squad won the Stanley Cup. Taylor was still 22 years from birth when there was any on-ice joy in Hogtown, The 6ix, T-Dot or any other Toronto nickname Torontonians never use, eh.
Our metropolis is relatively safe compared to big American cities. You won’t see any guns. Citizens are only heavily armed with complaints. We open-carry shattered dreams. You only need a whistle if you visit Costco on Saturday. The foot traffic inside is more chaotic than the jockeying in the parking lot. Don’t go unless you need 5,000 olives.
I’m thrilled for you. I remember being young and going to concerts to see musical heroes like Elton John or David Bowie. You will make flashbulb memories this week that last a lifetime.
Just don’t jaywalk while texting. That will bring on the sighs and dirty looks.
