Holiday gatherings are often filled with warmth and love. But for many, a get-together with relatives can feel like a traipse through a minefield.
Between seeing family with whom you might have a strained relationship, arguments over touchy subjects and the holiday-induced stress of preparing for the gathering in the first place, it’s almost enough to give up on the whole idea and spend Christmas with your cat instead.
But there are ways to mediate disputes and leave family gatherings with everyone satisfied. Ahead of the holidays, we asked experts how best to defuse arguments and festive tension — here’s what they said.
Why do we argue over the holidays?
There are a ton of factors at play over the holidays, from differing expectations of how traditions should be celebrated to seeing relatives with whom you might not be on the best footing, explained Joanna Seidel, an accredited family mediator and founder of Toronto Family Therapy and Mediation clinic.
“One of the things that we see a lot over the holidays is separation and divorce,” she added, noting that the season can often cause pre-existing cracks and tensions in one’s relationship to flare up. Seidel says she often sees previous arguments over finances or parenting reignite at the dinner table, morphed into fights over gift-giving, financial pressures and perceived imbalances.
It’s made worse by the meaning and emotional attachment we form with the holidays, said Rob Danisch, a professor of communication arts at the University of Waterloo.
For example, he recalls a treasured ornament from his first Christmas in the city. “Someone gave it to us, and it has all these memories attached to it,” he said. “Last Christmas it broke, and I was upset about it. So my partner says, ‘well, it’s just a just a decoration.’ And it’s like, well, yes — but it’s all these other things, too.”
Objects and traditions can hold a great deal of meaning for us. So when someone doesn’t understand or respect what we care about, that can be a recipe for tension and argument.
Why do you act differently around your parents?
Have you ever felt you become a different person around your parents? It’s a common phenomenon, and it goes back to how we learn to communicate, Danisch said.
“We learn our communication habits early in our lives, usually from our parents or from our immediate family members,” he explained. And while these habits might have morphed as we aged, they tend to be reactivated once we see our parents again.
“Those patterns can create tension when we’re no longer children,” Danisch continued, while serving as a point of frustration when we struggle to grow past them.
“The best thing to do about them,” he said, “is to be a little bit more reflective about how you communicate, to avoid getting sucked into some of those habitual patterns from the past.”
How to defuse arguments with relatives
It’s been a wild year in politics, the perfect fuel for arguments at the dinner table. But you don’t have to agree with someone’s point of view to defuse that argument, Danisch explained.
“Let’s say someone introduces a difficult topic into holiday dinner. We have to recognize that they are making a bid for some attention from us, and it could be a topic that we really oppose or find abhorrent,” he said.
Instead of immediately retorting, try to mirror their sentiment back at them: If someone says they admire Donald Trump, for instance, you might reflect back: “So, you think Trump is going to be great for America?” Danisch said.
This gives them space to calm down and further articulate their thoughts. “We let them know we’re listening,” he added. “If we immediately react and respond and argue, we’re going to just ratchet up the intensity of the conversation and the likelihood of a disagreement.”
Another technique is to inquire further about their perspective: “Do you think Trump is going to be great because you really believe in his policies, or because you’re entertained by them?” This lets your relative know you’re interested in the conversation and respect them, potentially placating their bid for attention without agreeing with their point of view, Danisch explained.
Seidel added that, if there are people you know you won’t get along with, try to interact with someone else if possible. If you do get roped into a conversation or confrontation, remain as civil, cordial and open as you can — reacting aggressively can often inflame the situation and make things worse.
Prepare ahead of time
If you find yourself dreading that get-together or reconnecting with those you have a strained relationship with, Seidel said it can be crucial to prepare ahead of time. This can include learning stress management techniques that work for you or asking yourself what is really causing disagreements — and what you can do to resolve them.
“I think that we need to really evaluate what really matters and what doesn’t,” she said. “I think we need to identify, is there a real problem at hand or not?”
Danisch agreed, adding that we’re liable to become overwhelmed with emotion if we don’t prepare. “We just say whatever comes to mind and that tends to not be very helpful,” he said. “It’s better to try to process our own emotions first and occupy a more neutral state before we attempt communication.”
This can mean talking to yourself before the event. For instance, you might tell yourself: “Okay, it’s going to cause me stress to be around this uncle” before heading out to dinner.
Scrutinizing and labelling your feelings in this way before and during a potentially difficult conversation can help to better process your thoughts and “set yourself into a more constructive communicative position,” he said.
Seidel noted that the holidays are a time to come together. “If there is a rupture in a relationship, it is also a time to focus on repair.”
“Can you apologize? Can you take responsibility for past behavior? Can you work towards a resolution? … and do you have any capacity to repair that strained relationship?”
