James Bond now gets free shipping on spyware and martini shakers.
There are so many things happening that were once unthinkable. America betrays an ally and sides with a murderous dictator. The City of Toronto is bamboozled by snow. Humans are marrying robots. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is now counting down the days until he is an ex-Jay.
And now 007 is an Amazon agent.
That news arrived Thursday. Amazon MGM Studios, which owns the rights to 4,000 movies and 17,000 TV shows, has gained “creative control” of James Bond. Independent producers Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli, who guided and guarded the franchise like junkyard dogs for decades, agreed to a new “joint venture.” They will keep an ownership stake and lounge in the fog machine of semi-retirement when it comes to future casting and scripts.
Mike Hopkins, head honcho at Amazon MGM Studios, said in a statement: “Since his theatrical introduction over 60 years ago, James Bond has been one of the most iconic characters in filmed entertainment … We are honoured to continue this treasured heritage, and look forward to ushering in the next phase of the legendary 007 …”
Future titles: “From Fulfilment Centre With Love.” “License to Shop.” “Dr. No Bezos.” “No Time to Refund.” “Prime Days Never Die.” “For Lauren’s Eyes Only.” “Alexapussy.”
The fate of James Bond is now in the hands of Amazon.
The company already held distribution rights. But now it can shape the MI6 agent to better fit with current mores and corporate interests. Say, why is this brooding protagonist, first imagined by author Ian Fleming, slowly poisoning himself with vodka when we can promote a fantastic Whole Foods protein shake?
What’s with all the womanizing? I know, in the third act of “The Prime Member Who Loved Me,” James starts listening to relationship books on Audible and delivers a teary soliloquy on an Italian veranda as the bad guys close in with directed-energy bazookas.
“I wronged you, Bond Girls. I am sorry, Honey Ryder. Forgive me, Miss Taro. Where have you gone, Pussy Galore? For all the heartache I inflicted, I shall pick up all overnight shipping costs on thousands of wonderful products that will make you fondly remember I am but a dashing and highly disturbed lover of gadgets who does not play well with others.”
I don’t trust Jeff Bezos with James Bond any more than I’d trust Pornhub with Winnie the Pooh. Oh my God, what is going on? Why is Pooh going to an orgy? Tigger, put down that bottle of baby oil! You’re not Diddy. No, Eeyore, that’s not thistle — it’s a sex toy!
James Bond is a lone wolf. He is not a corporate shill. Yeah, yeah, I know. Amazon MGM Studios has a C-suite full of Hollywood execs who will faithfully nurture the Bond universe for a new generation.
But what happens when Bezos wants a say? The broligarchs are now jockeying for cultural supremacy. They yearn to leave their DNA on everything. You don’t think Elon Musk wants to gain control of the X-Men franchise just for the cross-branding opportunities? Mark Zuckerberg fantasizes about owning DC Comics just so he can create a new superhero that has no moral compass and turtles in political headwinds: It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Zuckupman!
Why would anyone trust these craven broligarchs? Bezos looks like a Bond villain. Does anyone at the Washington Post still believe it’s fantastic to be owned by one of the world’s richest men who promised to stay out of editorial but is now more hands on than a cephalopod?
That masthead slogan — “Democracy Dies in Darkness” — needs a rewrite.
“Journalism Dies in Meddling.”
The Wall Street Journal recently reported that soon after Bezos dined with Donald and Melania Trump at Mar-a-Lago in December, Amazon offered $40 million to license the first lady’s upcoming documentary about her transition back to the White House. That’s like giving $40 million to Doug Ford to write a book about origami. After 27 folds, is it a swan … or a Greenbelt?
Most other studios, including Netflix and Apple, took a hard pass on Melania’s vanity project. But Jeff Bozo was eager to ingratiate himself to his new overlords. He knows this doc won’t get more viewers than “The Chevy Chase Show.” No matter.
If Barron pitched a new reality show — “Barron Wants a Hot Chick” — Bezos would have opened his chequebook as Melania regaled him with horror stories about how buying off the rack is a crime against humanity. If the president ever asks, James Bond will be wearing a MAGA cap in his next caper: “DEI is DOA.”
Agent 007 better shake himself a strong martini or three this evening.
He now takes orders from Amazon. No villain could be more terrifying.
