Many were frantic for the return of “The White Lotus,” Mike White’s hit HBO show about wealthy degenerates vacationing in exotic locales and occasionally turning up dead. The first episode of Season 3 more than doubled the Season 2 premiere viewership numbers on Crave, proving that fans are more rabid than ever to delight in the downfall of White’s loathsome one-percenters.
One favourite pastime is parsing out just who is the worst among these selfish swells who’ve checked into the White Lotus in Thailand. Is it the protein-shake-swilling sex pest? The snobby TV actress? The cranky sugar-daddy? Check out our ranking to see who we think is most deserving of the return journey in a body bag. (Note: this ranking contains spoilers for Season 2 and 3 so far, so proceed with caution if you’re not caught up!)
22. Belinda (Natasha Rothwell)
Spa manager Belinda made it out of her season of “The White Lotus” with just wounded pride; this human angel had better survive this trip, too.
21. Pornchai (Dom Hetrakul)
Imagine showing up on your work trip and your colleague has the chiseled body of a god and the beaming smile of a golden retriever. We wish wellness expert Pornchai nothing but success in his spa career!
20. Mook (Lisa)
Mook is everything you want in a health mentor: kind, chill, impossibly beautiful. The definition of aspirational. No wonder her colleague Gaitok is such a goner.
19. Zion (Nicholas Duvernay)
We don’t know very much about Belinda’s jacked son just yet, so his only points deduction is referring to a deity as a “mothers—ker” in a moment of panic after shots ring out.
18. Gaitok (Tayme Thapthimthong)
Sweet, sweet Gaitok. The hotel security guard faces many struggles this season, from inadvertently aiding a robber and facing rejection from his beloved Mook to the withering gaze of his obsequious boss, Fabian. Bless him.
17. Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood)
This sugar-baby really cares for her BF, urging him to practise better self-care. The only real issue is her astrology obsession (blech).
16. Amrita (Shalini Peiris)
Most White Lotus guests need a stern talking to — or multiple, frankly — and spiritual counsellor Amrita shows zero fear in quieting the chattering the monkey minds of this crew of rich reprobates (although she does abandon poor Zion during a bout of gunfire).
15. Lachlan (Sam Nivola)
Guest Lochie tends to let his bossy sister, pervy brother and unhinged parents run the show. Step up and assert yourself, young man — maybe hotel worker Pam is giving lessons?
14. Chloe (Charlotte Le Bon)
Our French-Canadian queen! She is carefree, she is chic, she is … kind of a bitch. (We love it.) But we’ll begrudgingly admit that the intensity of her partying and troubled relationship with “Gary,” our rich returnee from Season 1, constitute red flags.
13. Pam (Morgana O’Reilly)
Her sarcasm-dripping “how wonderful for you, how wonderful for you” has already become the stuff of memes. We stan Pam, but if you want to work in customer service you generally need to learn how to conceal your utter contempt for the guests.
12. Piper (Sarah Catherine Hook)
Uh-oh! A pasty Texan enchanted by Eastern religion? She means well, but she seems doomed to end up on one of those Instagram accounts dedicated to mocking white-saviour behaviour.
11. Sritala (Lek Patravadi)
Building an entire hotel to fill with captive audiences you can force to listen to you sing every night? Immediate terrible-person infraction.
10. Fabian (Christian Friedel)
Ugh: the hotel manager also wants to subject guests to his singing?! He oozes snobbery and seems like a terrible boss. Even worse, he is not pulling off that caftan.
9. Laurie (Carrie Coon)
While she is the target of most of her friends’ gossip, she still relishes talking trash about her old pal Jaclyn. And what would she say about Kate if she and Jaclyn ended up alone?
8. Kate (Leslie Bibb)
Kate’s crisp bob, penchant for bashing her best friends and obsession with her fancy-dancy life back home in Texas with Dave scream Trump voter.
7. Rick (Walton Goggins)
Eternally grumpy, festive shirt forever half-unbuttoned, always sniping at his lovely young girlfriend, Rick is the mean-spirited opposite of Goggins’ usual characters. Dark trauma may lurk in his past, yes, but c’mon, man: lighten up a little.
6. Valentin (Arnas Fedaravicius)
Lavishing middle-aged lady guests with generic compliments in hopes of a better tip? Potentially letting robbers onto the hotel grounds? This health mentor is using his hotness for evil!
5. Victoria (Parker Posey)
Zoned out on Xannies and privilege, hotel guest Victoria’s slowed-down southern drawl belies a very sharp tongue. (And what was up with pretending not to remember Kate from the baby shower? Or was she so stoned she actually doesn’t remember?)
4. Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan)
Jaclyn paid for this girls trip — and is never going to let her friends forget it. Or the fact that she has a hot young husband.
3. Timothy (Jason Isaacs)
Not only is he unskilled at committing financial fraud, he doesn’t seem too good at covering it up, either. Plus, he keeps talking on his phone in a device-free hotel. Pam is gonna be pissed!
2. Saxon (Patrick Schwarzenegger)
The only thing worse than a sex pest is a potentially incestuous sex pest. Cool it with the horny talk around your siblings, you freak.
1. ‘Gary’ (Jon Gries)
We will never forgive you for plotting to kill the most glorious Tanya McQuoid (Jennifer Coolidge)! We hope you’re the unlucky one this season, you bald buffoon.
“The White Lotus” is available to stream on Crave.
