Is public swearing out of control?
How the f#@k should I know? But it must be an issue in the U.K. According to reports this week, a municipal council is proposing an ordinance to slap £100 fines on all potty-mouthed wankers. If passed, this “public space protection order” will cover four seaside towns in Kent, all of which sound like old-timey cuss words: Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs and Birchington.
When I stub my toe in the future: “RAMSGATE!”
If aliens visited Earth — spoiler alert, they do all the time — they’d conclude swearing is a human dialect. It’s not just truck drivers and drunken sailors. Politicians, pundits, ride-share drivers, lawyers, plumbers, retail clerks — our once polite society is a linguistic battleground of F-bombs and C-grenades.
I once asked a dry cleaner if he could remove a stain on a tie. He inspected the silk garment for a second and then casually blurted out, “Absof—kinglutely.” The profane emphasis was delightful given his vaguely Eastern European accent.
I left with full confidence in the man’s dry-cleaning prowess.
I now routinely hear “bulls–t” on morning news shows. And I mean the actual word, not the analysis. Swearing is to podcasts as dots and dashes were to Morse code. Our lexicon is rated R. By 2028, those who once censored an “ass” or “s–t” from a broadcast with a bleep will be bleeping unemployed.
The genie is out of the bottle and he is telling everyone to eff off.
So how do you even enforce a ban on public swearing? Will Kent hire 5,000 undercover coppers to lurk behind junipers and jump out if they hear a “minger” or “twat”? Blimey, that gormless bellend screamed “cockwomble” in front of children. Oh, no. Now I have to also give myself a ticket!
On Tuesday, YouGov released a survey about differing attitudes toward swearing in the U.K., Australia and America. It seems the land of Harry Potter is also home to the Hairy Mutter: “Britain has the most regular swearers, with 37% of the British public saying they swear every day, compared to just a quarter of Australians (23%) or Americans (25%).”
That was surprising. I expected Australia to run away with any vulgarity trophy. If I lived Down Under, I’d be bellowing a blue streak every day after realizing every creature on land and sea is trying to murder me. The Cassowary is the world’s most dangerous bird. Venom from a box jellyfish can kill in under five minutes. Don’t get me started on redback spiders.
Australia should fine citizens who do not swear in this threat matrix.
Free speech advocates across the pond have threatened litigation if the new bylaw passes. Their knickers are in a knot. It’s not as if there is the aural equivalent of speed cameras for cursing. If there was, Olivia Chow would be stroking her chin and planning to install listening devices around Sankofa Square every Saturday night. That swearing sounds like … cha-ching!
We just need to accept that execrating is now grandfathered into the discourse. The internet torpedoed good graces. An average comment on YouTube would now make Quentin Tarantino blush. I get angry emails addressed to, “Dear F—kface.”
But the solution isn’t Big Brother fines — it’s situational self-policing.
Go ahead and swear when you are at the pub with pals. But tone it down when you are picking up your kid from daycare. Ideally, swearing should be jovial in adjectival spirit. This is the best f—king crab cake I’ve ever tasted! Swearing only gets corrosive when it’s personally abusive. This is why hospitals now post signs reminding patients that such toxic rants will not be tolerated.
Yes, you arrived at the ER with a broken arm. But this corporeal pain does not grant you the right to call the attending nurse a f—king bitch because the X-ray machine is tied up for three hours.
That poor woman did not push you off that ladder.
Even if this British law passes, there will be swear-word loopholes. According to the Mirror, the proposed legislation includes exceptions for “those who can demonstrate a ‘reasonable excuse’ for their actions.”
In other words, lawyers will advise clients to tell the judge they only shouted “munter sod!” after a herring gull swooped down and stole their fish and chips.
That is a reasonable excuse. Case dismissed. Have a nice effing day.
Bad language accelerates during bad times. Nobody swears while soaking in a candlelit bubble bath and listening to an ASMR babbling creek. But cut that same person off in rush hour and you don’t want to read their lips in the rearview mirror. If AI steals your job, you’re not saying, “Oh fudge.”
Municipalities don’t need swear jars.
They can restore civility by making life a little easier for everyone.
