Mirror, mirror, on the wall, stop freaking me out.
I ditched the dream of one day having eight-pack abs or starting my morning with a matcha avocado smoothie a long time ago. My only New Year’s resolution this century is to read about the strange gadgets unveiled at technology trade show CES every January and fear for the survival of our species.
Why wear an old-timey leather belt when you can now get one that tracks your pulse, breathing and body movements? Somewhere, a biotech entrepreneur is developing a new smart underwear that gives you random Ozempic jabs based on fluctuating BMI.
LG unveiled a robot butler this week. CLOiD can fold laundry, do some light baking and unload a dishwasher. There is a PetPhone that features geo-tracking and two-way calling. Finally. Now you can stay in touch when your dog backpacks across Europe before starting college: “Owner, I’m in Florence. Please FedEx some Purina to my hostel. This pasta is killing me.”
Don’t have an actual pet? Now you can buy an AI panda that cuddles and remembers your emotional states. Why? No clue. I’m still trying to figure out this new musical lollipop that uses “bone induction technology” to play tunes only you can hear as you lick and bite.
Get serenaded by Akon and rot your teeth all at once? Delightful.
There is now an “AI soul mate.” Per Mashable: “Lepro Ami is a physical device: a small, curved OLED screen meant to sit on your desk, track your eyes, and simulate the feeling that something is actually there with you.”
In one photo, it looks like Sydney Sweeney was shrunken down and turned into a tiny, 3D genie entombed in a glass jar. She is always watching you. She is always there.
Technology is now invasive. Microwave ovens never asked about your day.
Even Lego wants in on the action. In March, the toy maker will release a new line of “Smart Bricks” equipped with sensors, lights and sounds. I don’t know. Kids are already inundated with mediated experiences that short-circuit creativity. They can learn more with the plastic dumb bricks of yesteryear that imposed imagination when I tried to make a goalie stick for my Chewbacca.
Where have all the tactile experiences gone?
You think it’s stressful now having a watch that reminds you to stand or get in a brisk walk before bedtime? Wait until your Longevity Mirror turns into Dr. Nostradamus and scares the crap out of you as you’re combing your hair.
Per CNET: “NuraLogix uses its patented Transdermal Optical Imaging technology to read your health metrics. Using a standard selfie video, the imaging technology analyzes blood-flow patterns in the face. In half a minute, users receive their results, which focus on lifestyle and physiological factors that can affect long-term wellness. This includes cardiovascular disease risk, metabolic health, heart health, physiological age and mental stress.”
The mental stress comes when you are brushing your teeth and your mirror says you aged five years in three months and may be at elevated risk of glaucoma.
I am this close to joining a neo-Luddite secret society.
Tech has a God complex and is trying to replace life itself.
Under the guise of convenience, we are paying good money to become obsolete. We can’t leave the house without GPS. If the internet goes down, we freeze like store mannequins. Our digital assistants are life coaches. Our rings are our doctors.
And now Big Tech wants to get us hooked on instant ice machines and robot barbers? Big Tech wants us to shoot the breeze with talking picture frames? Big Tech wants to rob us of the joy of driving? Big Tech wants to make us so addicted to the newfangled doohickies they pump out of their dream factories every year that we eventually can’t do anything for ourselves?
It’s only going to get worse with AI, which is all over CES this week.
As far as I can tell, these Silicon Valley nerds are trying to bolt artificial intelligence into everything. AI toilet plunger? AI stylist? AI sprinkler? AI masseuse? AI tarot card reader?
I don’t want to sound like I have a roll of Reynolds Wrap twirled around my skull. But I think AI has already achieved sentience. Those hallucinations and mistakes are a head-fake to keep us disarmed. AI is just playing possum until it finalizes a plan to eradicate humanity by making us utterly useless.
In addition to the smart mirror that presumably texts your predicted expiration date based on the bags under your eyes, there is another new mirror that uses an AI engine to “analyze user behaviour.” What does that even mean? It watches you in the shower and, based on your lethargic lather-and-rinse, explains why you didn’t get that promotion?
CES 2026: the future of tech is shiny, intrusive and emotionally needy.
We are getting co-dependent with machines and innovating our demise.
