After the decorations are packed away and the credit card bills roll in, many couples find themselves confronting relationship cracks that were exposed during the holidays.
For some, the beginning of the new year seems like the right time to end a dysfunctional marriage.
The first Monday of January is dubbed “Divorce Day” among family lawyers in Canada because they often expect it to be one of the busiest times of the year with a surge in calls and cases.
Divorce is never an easy decision, often marked by emotional, legal and financial challenges. So how do you navigate the difficulties if you are considering a separation at this time of the year?
Why are people filing for divorce in January?
Many people who come to a divorce lawyer in the first week of January made their decisions back in October or November, but they put it off to ensure their children won’t have an upsetting holiday season, said Russell Alexander, an Ontario family lawyer.
The holidays can be a source of stress and tension as well, he added. People may seek divorce due to mounting resentment after family gatherings or financial strain from a spouse’s excessive holiday spending.
Some people may have also put off initiating their divorce because many lawyers may close their office over the holidays, Alexander said.
And for others, it could be a unique New Year resolution.
“Lots of people use the new year to reflect,” Alexander said. “Sometimes those decisions are I want to move on with my spouse. It’s not the right person for me.”
There’s some seasonality to when these decision are made, said family lawyer William Abbott. Divorces between couples with children aged 2 to 16 rise sharply in January, he said, adding September is also the busiest time for family lawyers as children go back to school.
From a tax standpoint, Abbott said it’s better for couples to be legally separated before Dec. 31 so they can accurately claim some benefits on their tax returns. According to the Canada Revenue Agency, a separation is only considered legal after the two people involved have been living apart for at least 90 days.
How do holidays affect the divorce decision?
From a mental health perspective, Nathan Kalk, a registered psychotherapist, said during January he sees more people realizing they want to fix their relationship problems and are seeking help.
“Holidays can be almost like a pressure cooker,” Kalk said. “People’s problems get put up in the pressure cooker, and then all of a sudden, all of these issues start coming to the surface.”
At holiday gatherings, without work as an outlet, people constantly deal with different family dynamics and face conflicts that are not addressed properly throughout the year, he added.
Kalk recommends people take some time and seek professional help rather than rushing into a divorce decision after the holidays.
“I think oftentimes people give up a little bit too soon, or they haven’t done their due diligence, or they haven’t given it everything that they can to make sure that they’re trying to make it work,” he said.
However, Abbott said he doesn’t think a divorce call in January is a spur-of-the-moment decision.
“They’ve done their research online. They’ve probably made the decision to leave their spouse long beforehand, but they pick a date in their mind to say, ‘I’m not gonna ruin the kids’ Christmas.’ I’m gonna do it when they’re back in school,” he said.
What to do if you are considering divorce?
Alexander said the first and most important step when a person is considering divorce is to think about what their goals are — whether they want their children to live with them, whether they want to stay in the home or move out of the community.
“For a lot of people that’s very difficult, because they have never thought about what they want,” he said.
Alexander advised his clients to start gathering their financial records, make copies if they are concerned their spouse is hiding assets, plan their parenting arrangements and update the passwords of their personal accounts.
Going to court may not be in the best interest of a divorcing couple, he added. Alexander recommends a collaborative approach to reaching a separation agreement with attorneys on both sides.
“We’re going to look at your goals and interests and design an outcome that’s right for your family. If you go to court, the judge has only got a little box to deal with.”
Seeing lawyers and handling the administrative tasks of divorce can take a significant toll on mental health, Kalk said. People should surround themselves with those who care about them and their kids to help with the load so that they can take some time for self-care, he added.
“With kids, one thing I always think is important is to sit them down and make sure that they know it’s not because of them,” he said. “Oftentimes kids don’t know how to make sense of it other than blaming themselves.”
