The Jeffrey Epstein conspiracies are still kicking six years after he died.
MAGA is not a monolith. Some red hats joined the cult for tax cuts or the feel-good xenophobia. Others love that Donald Trump is an isolationist who will put America first by kicking all other nations in the nuts. Some fancy his casual F-bombs and fire-and-brimstone attacks on the woke.
But a connective tissue uniting MAGA is the core belief Mr. Epstein did not kill himself in prison.
The convicted child sex trafficker was murdered, they allege, by sinister forces hell-bent on protecting a “client list” of powerful global figures who participated in his evil pedophile ring.
Alex Jones has spent the last few years fantasizing about one day watching federal agents slap cuffs on Bill Clinton or Bill Gates. Instead, Alex Jones burst into tears this week.
In the opposite of “playing to the base,” the U.S. Department of Justice closed the books on the Epstein case. The official record now states he committed suicide. Nobody else will be charged. There never was a blackmail-friendly “client list,” a curious assertion since Attorney General Pam Bondi previously said the list was sitting on her desk awaiting review.
The red hats haven’t been this outraged since calling for a boycott of Harvard, as if any of them could get in. Harvard doesn’t offer courses on how chemtrails turn people trans or how Sept. 11 was an inside job masterminded by the same ghouls that killed JFK and cancelled “Firefly.”
I am reluctant to encourage MAGA. But is there not a different conspiracy to consider?
Conservative influencers howling this week want Ms. Bondi to resign or be fired or maybe executed by firing squad. But she is not an “Attorney General” in any traditional sense. She’s a ventriloquist dummy and the guy throwing his voice is watching TV in the White House. If Trump told Bondi to launch an investigation into Black & Decker — “Pam, it should be renamed White & Decker” — she’d assign prosecutors and then vow to cut her lawn with scissors.
Bondi has less autonomy than a sea sponge. The same goes for FBI director Kash Patel and his deputy Dan Bongino. The Beavis and Butt-Head of law enforcement were once superspreaders of Epstein conspiracies. Now they are doing awkward interviews and looking like they were electroshocked into declaring “he committed suicide” or “there was no coverup.”
I bet they regret running their yaps for years about how the Deep State murdered Epstein because now MAGA is accusing them of being the Deep State. But as with Bondi, these dopes don’t make independent decisions. They do what they are told. Bongino isn’t qualified to be deputy director at Taco Bell.
So if he, Patel and Bondi are doing an about-face on Epstein, it’s because there really is nothing to see here or a certain someone has instructed them to stop seeing it. Let me be clear: I am not suggesting Trump did anything wrong with Epstein. I’m just wondering why the Epstein conspiracy theorists do not at least entertain the possibility.
Elon Musk set off his nuclear feud with the president by claiming the Epstein files were not released because Trump’s name is in them. It’s a scorching allegation. But what does Elmo know? Trump was friends with Epstein. Then there is the tremorous way Trump once answered a question from Fox News about declassifying certain files.
Would you declassify the Sept. 11 files? Yeah. Would you declassify the JFK files? Yeah. Would you declassify the Epstein files? Here, I will quote his halting response verbatim: “Yeah, yeah, I would. I guess I would. I think that less so because you don’t know — you don’t want to affect people’s lives if it’s phoney stuff in there because it’s a lot of phoney stuff with that whole world.”
Since when does Trump, godfather of birtherism, care about phoney stuff? What’s next? Will Bianca Censori take an active interest in muumuus? Watch the clip of Trump stammering about Epstein — Fox is making it harder to find — and pay attention to his body language.
He looks more uncomfortable than a vegan at a hot-dog eating contest.
Why does the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein seem to haunt Donald Trump?
It’s not the missing minute of prison footage in the 11 hours the DOJ released this week from the night of Epstein’s death. It’s not the new chorus from members of Trump 2.0 who want to memory-hole the conspiracies they once championed. These are smokebombs.
If you want to find Bigfoot, you don’t travel to Loch Ness. If you want to prove the moon landing was faked, you don’t tunnel under the Denver International Airport — everyone knows that’s Illuminati headquarters.
The truth about fluoride is you can’t ignore water.
The truth about Jeffrey Epstein is you can’t ignore Donald Trump.
MAGA loves conspiracies — except when they get too close to Dear Leader.
