The red hats are always hassling me to say something nice about their hero.
It would be easier for me to do a 180 on cauliflower or extol the humanitarian virtues of dirty bombs. That said, I will offer this olive branch to the red hats today: the U.S. president has done more for Canadian patriotism in one month than all of our prime ministers combined. Really.
Agent Orange has triggered a red-and-white tsunami.
I’m reading about the early fur trade and sipping Canadian vodka and dusting off Blue Rodeo deep cuts. What’s that? Nickelback? Let’s not get crazy. The point is I have never felt a deeper pride in being Canadian. And I am not alone.
Go into a grocery store and you will now see someone buying bacon in a Canadian flag toque. Drive down any street and you will see Canadian flags fluttering in blizzard conditions. I was chatting with my neighbour recently and asked about his new porch banner.
He got it on Amazon. And get this: it was initially sold out.
I can’t recall another time when Canadian nationalism led to booming sales.
I glanced at Amazon’s Best Seller list for flags and banners. It was dominated by our maple leaf in vertical tri-band glory. There were a few outliers in the Top 50, including a “F- -k Trudeau” at No. 41. Man, those truckers can really hold a grudge. But as I scrolled the list, my retinas were exposed to more red and white than inside a candy cane factory on Mars.
According to a story in Fortune this weekend, sales at just one Canadian flag maker have nearly doubled in a year. As Matt Skipp, co-owner of Flags Unlimited, told the magazine: “This recent animosity, or negotiation, or Trump-talk has absolutely lit a fire under flag sales. The more Trump talks, the more flags we sell.”
The same is true for T-shirts and hats, including the popular “Canada Is Not For Sale” cap Doug Ford modelled. Amazon is selling Canadian flag bed sheets, travel mugs, tattoos, bumper stickers, pins, luggage tags, patches, adult onesies (?), decals and a red-and-white skull neck gaiter, which might provide decent camo should Trump send F-35s and M1A2 Abrams tanks across the border to transform Ottawa into Mar-a-Lago North.
Then Melania will rename ByWard Market as Be Best Eat.
I think Trump’s bizarre obsession with making Canada “the 51st state” started after someone told him Boston Pizza and Lone Star Texas Grill are Canadian chains. Or maybe he just wants our natural resources? Dominion over Sunshine Girls? All I know is the best part of Trump 2.0 so far is how every democratic country is grabbing the sniffing salts and taking a deep whiff of reckoning.
The man has contempt for his allies. This can’t be argued. He is dismissive of Denmark and yearns to have slumber parties with Kim Jong Un, where the two will talk golf and paint each other’s toenails. Trump wants to be besties with the bad boys. You know why calls between Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping no longer require translators? Crying laughing is a universal language.
The dictators and oppressors can hereby stop wasting time fighting “American soft power and influence.” Trump is now doing it for them with reckless abandon.
Nobody wants to see peace in Ukraine more than I do. But how on earth does America begin “peace talks” with Russia this week in Saudi Arabia and not give Ukraine a seat at the diplomatic table? That’s like throwing a birthday party for your spouse and — surprise! — not inviting her.
It’s not that Trump wants to betray Ukraine. He just won’t hesitate to do so if he thinks he can personally get more out of Russia by way of a Moscow Trump Hotel or even a lifetime supply of borscht he can feed the political prisoners he eventually locks up in Greenland.
Here’s that cup of Kvass, Adam Kinzinger. Enjoying the poisoned stroganoff, Jack Smith?
Trump is not the leader of the free world — he’s the extortionist-in-chief.
Hey, Ukraine, hand over your rare earth minerals and maybe I’ll keep you armed to survive this genocidal invasion. Hey, Canada and Mexico, remember that trade treaty I made you sign during Trump 1.0? I changed my mind. I’m now slapping a 100 per cent tariff on poutine and guacamole. Hey, Panama, all proceeds from your shipping canal will now go into a crypto trust fund for my great grandkids. Don’t make me nuke you.
No surprise countries are giving the side-eye as American democracy retreats.
Bring on the flags and toques! Let us cherish this nation of laws and decency!
Donald Trump has made Canadian patriotism great again.
