How can one man inflict so much chaos?
I am not referring to Ye, who apparently now buys his clothes at the KKK outlet store. I am referring to an even bigger imbecile who, sadly for the world, is determined to upend trade, manufacturing, bilateral trust, the markets and bedrock economics.
Make the Great Depression Great Again!
Imagine if PM Mark Carney held a press conference to unveil a new Canadian space program involving rocketships made out of paper. Confused reporters would glance at one another. Handlers would rush the stage to escort Carney to the nearest psychiatric hospital. Canadians would send flowers while thinking, “Phew, we just dodged a disaster!”
Donald Trump’s tariffs are just as disastrous as paper rocketships.
The doofus-in-chief, who believes governance is a reality show, released a new episode of “Unfree Trade” this week. There were charts. There were outdoor sets with desks and flags. There was a crowd of extras sitting in lawn chairs and clapping like trained seals.
China gets 34 per cent! Yay! The EU is 20! Woot! Taiwan, you’re now 32! Hip-hip!
What does Trump expect to get from a 46 per cent tariff on Vietnam?
Here’s what Americans will get: three-figure umbrellas and $25 pho.
I really wish economists were not so polite. They’ve spent months penning white papers on import fees and global supply chains. They should have jumped on cable news to rip the president a new one in street lingo: “President Jackass, if you launch across-the-board tariffs around the world, stocks will nosedive faster than Lara’s singing career. You will spike unemployment. Might as well put helium in those interest rates. You will get mooned by shrinkflation. You will beat the economy like a rented mule.”
It is painfully clear Trump does not know how tariffs work. I’m not sure he knows how a pencil sharpener works. What’s less clear is why Americans entrusted their financial futures to a guy who filed for bankruptcy six times. Would you hire Michael Vick to walk your dog? Would you take love advice from Bennifer?
To truly gauge the insanity of Trump’s fiscal policy, consider this: he even slapped tariffs this week on the uninhabited Heard Island and McDonald Islands. He probably thinks that’s where Big Macs come from. They are Australian territories near Antarctica that contain no humans.
I guess those freeloading king penguins will pay the 10 per cent levy?
I’m willing to bet Trump did not spend five minutes thinking about any of this. He wanted this episode of “Unfree Trade” to shock and awe. It definitely shocked the markets while awing the ghost of Reed Smoot. Trump probably told his people, “Get a map of the world and put tariffs on every shape. And look into how I can tariff the oceans, clouds and trees. I hate trees!”
Per CNN: “(T)he small Norwegian island and former whaling station of Jan Mayen faces 10% tariffs. But no one lives there permanently (a few military personnel rotate in), and it has an economy of zero, according to the CIA Factbook …”
I’m surprised Trump didn’t tariff Shangri-La, Atlantis and Wakanda.
These are exhausting times. Thanks to one madman who makes decisions with a Magic 8 Ball, people around the world are now rushing to buy backyard chickens while learning how to darn socks. Just wait until the red hats are in the market for a new F-150 or outdoor equipment: “Excuse me, why is this camping stove $16,000?”
Alas, it’s not just the red hats who will be hurt by Tariff Man. It is all of us, all over the world* (*excludes Russia). One man is sprinkling recession pixie dust with idiotic glee. One man is trying to destroy globalization and force us back to the 19th century.
I don’t want to barter for my martini in a powdered wig.
What happened this week is what happens every week in Trumpville. He gets a bee in his bonnet and the world gets stung. I get that he suffers from ADHD, which is why his daily briefing is a flip book with crayon doodles of golf clubs and thought bubbles. I get that he is not a details guy, which is why he pardoned the J6 rioters at once instead of going case by case.
Let them all out. Even those who attacked cops with flag poles? Sure, why not.
Watching Trump ramble incoherently during “Liberation Day” was to be liberated from common sense. His numbers appeared to come from someone with a head injury. His history lessons had the fact-checkers lunging for the caffeine pills.
I almost had an out-of-body experience but warned my spirit it might get tariffed.
Donald Trump is ruining the world faster than anyone imagined.
Just ask the penguins on Heard Island.
