America’s Department of Justice may soon have an anti-celebrity unit.
You know, to investigate all the stars who enrage the grumbler-in-chief. Humans breathe oxygen. Donald Trump inhales grievance. If a Belgian Malinois gave him a dirty look on the golf course, he’d instruct the Secret Service to deport that dog to Amsterdam.
The White House is now a Feud House. Bruce Springsteen is the latest target.
The singer is in Europe for his “The Land of Hope and Dreams Tour,” an ironic title given the gloom and nightmares back home. The Boss started a recent concert in Manchester with trenchant commentary: “In my home — the America I love, the America I’ve written about that has been a beacon of hope and liberty for 250 years — is currently in the hands of a corrupt, incompetent and treasonous administration.”
His bullets included “rolling back historic Civil Rights legislation that led to a more just and plural society.” He condemned Trump for “abandoning our great allies and siding with dictators against those struggling for their freedom.” He told U.K. fans the Trump administration is “removing residents off American streets and, without due process of law, are deporting them to foreign detention centres and prisons.”
Uh-oh. Three-two-one … Agent Orange is about to go Code Red.
Pathological liars lash out against the truth. So Trump called Springsteen “a pushy, obnoxious JERK,” “dumb as a rock” and a “dried out ‘prune’ of a rocker (his skin is all atrophied!).”
I’m not sure a guy who looks like his face was laminated with tangerine peels should go for dermatological insults. The end of Trump’s post was ominous. He told Springsteen to “KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT” until returning home because “then we’ll all see how it goes for him!”
And, somewhere, James Comey belted out, “Born in the U.S.A.”
There were veiled threats during Trump 1.0. They were as toothless as a pangolin. Trump 2.0 is a different animal. It is all fangs because his cabinet is now part of the drooling cult. They will do whatever Trump asks, whether that’s arresting a mayor or disappearing college kids.
Federal independence is now executive fealty. Every agency serves one man.
Attorney General Pam Blondie — I mean, Bondi — has turned the DOJ into a fever dream factory where actual crime is ignored so resources can go to investigating Trump’s enemies. Secretary of Education Linda McMahon is so educated she believes AI is pronounced “A-one,” probably because that’s Trump’s go-to condiment. If the president had a brain fart and the word salad “balm empanada” tumbled out of his mouth, SecDef Pete “Jack Daniels” Hegseth would interpret it as “bomb Canada” — and then he’d drop nukes on Ottawa before Happy Hour.
Springsteen should stay in Europe for a few years to avoid returning to Jersey only to find FBI director Kash Patel waiting at the airport with cuffs: Sir, you are charged with first-degree meanness. You have the right to remain silent until you promise to stay silent.
Springsteen isn’t the only celebrity living rent free in Trump’s addled brain. On Friday, he tried to drag Taylor Swift back into his superstar conflict zone: “Has anyone noticed that, since I said ‘I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT,’ she’s no longer ‘HOT?’”
On Monday, the Mad King called for a “major investigation” into Beyoncé, Oprah, Bono “AND, PERHAPS, MANY OTHERS.” Why? He is alleging Kamala Harris paid for celebrity endorsements that presumably swung the election … he won?
It’s as if the Panthers called for the Leafs to be drug tested after Sunday.
Come on, Florida. The only banned substance in Leafs Nation is victory.
Applying Trump’s logic to celebrity endorsements, Kid Rock would be doing hard time, Hulk Hogan would be ball-gagged in El Salvador and Elon Musk would be on death row where he’d be rambling about white genocide.
You know those movie scenes in which a killer is tiptoeing toward someone hiding behind a store shelf and then the hero throws a can of soup to get the killer to run the wrong way? Celebrities should be doing that right now.
Trigger Trump. Distract Trump. Bait Trump. Start more feuds.
If he’s beefing with Bad Bunny, he can’t trade Puerto Rico for Greenland. If he’s having a meltdown over a tweet from the Rock, he can’t recklessly expand the Most Idiotic Trade War in History. The Kardashians could derail Trump’s agenda just by mocking his tiny hands. Where is Yakov Smirnoff? We need a Russian comic to lampoon Trump until he blows up, blames Vladimir Putin for funding the insults and finally stops betraying Ukraine.
Trump would scream at a lamp in the Lincoln Bedroom if he thought it secretly missed Joe Biden. But of all the feuds, disrespectful celebrities bug him the most.
Boldface? Start throwing soup in all directions.
