There is a reason Donald Trump does not play poker.
He has more tells than the Fallsview Casino has slots. Hear an audible inhale that mimics a dying leaf blower? That means he is lying through his teeth. Semantic repetition? He’s doubling down on total nonsense. Slump forward? He’s jonesing for a Big Mac or fantasizing about Stormy Daniels.
To be fair, the U.S. president never touches his nose or chin. He’s no dummy. That might smudge the orange Crayola.
But let’s begin with an urgent APB to the media: Keep on the Epstein files.
It won’t be easy when the big story changes by the fast minute. But the Epstein files must stay in heavy rotation. Those files, real or imaginary, have buried deep into Trump’s gummy worm of an amygdala. He hasn’t been this scared since little Barron started speaking in tongues after the butler let him watch “The Exorcist.”
Trump’s biggest tell? Distraction.
That impeachable call with Volodymyr Zelenskyy was perfect and what about Hunter Biden and Burisma? The J6 insurrectionists? What about those George Floyd protesters who strapped dynamite to grannies in walkers? That never happened? Well, what about water pressure?
A low-flow shower is satanic. Windmills are bird graveyards.
Pfizer should invent a drug to cure his whataboutism.
When Trump feels like he is winning, he rambles about things he does not grasp, such as tariffs or Hannibal Lecter. When he feels like he is losing, he straps on his size 56 camo and ventures into the culture wars to hurl smoke bombs.
Since the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein returned to haunt Trumpville, Dear Leader has been in an Oh Dear mood. For the first time, the red hats are snickering and giving him side-eye. They are not buying what he is selling. They are tuning out of the official narrative faster than viewers of “The Last of Us.”
You can see the fear spread across Trump 2.0 like a wildfire. FBI director Kash Patel looks like he has termites in his Speedo. When his deputy, Dan Bongino, says Epstein committed suicide, he stammers like Charles Ponzi making small talk at the post office.
At first, Trump tried to downplay the Epstein files. When that didn’t work, he turned on his voters for caring about the Epstein files. When that didn’t work, he vowed to release any “credible” docs, which accelerated suspicions he was now the Deep State.
And when that didn’t work, he turbocharged his distraction clown car.
Do not fall for this again, media.
Do not chase the laser dot this lunatic beams across the Oval Office.
In recent days, the doofus-in-chief has called upon Coke to tinker with its recipe. On Sunday, he threatened to block a stadium deal for the Washington Commanders if the team did not revert to the Redskins. He demanded the Cleveland Guardians also go back to being the Indians.
Just wait until someone tells him Chief Keef was born Keith Farrelle Cozart.
Those sports teams should rebrand as the Washington Epstein Files and the Cleveland Epstein Files and watch Trump’s tangerine skull explode. I’ll happily buy a case of New Coke Epstein Files. The craven invertebrates cosplaying as Republican lawmakers recently voted to rename the Kennedy Center Opera House after Melania Trump.
Sure, she wouldn’t know a mezzo-soprano from a Saks mezzanine. But if we do this, maybe everyone will stop talking about the Epstein files?
The media should tell Donald there is a rumour the opera house will be rechristened the Epstein Files Centre for the Performing DEI. Harvard should offer degrees in Trump-Epstein friendship. Stephen Colbert should finish his late-night run by ending each show with, “Goodnight, and Epstein files!”
Trump loves to wag the dog. Now he is barking mad because the Epstein files are wagging him and he can’t leash his supporters.
He just falsely accused Barack Obama of “treason.” CNN then aired previously unseen photos of Trump and Epstein together. That’s how you do it, media.
Ignore the noise. Capture the signal.
I’ve heard pundits say the Epstein files story will fade. This won’t hurt Trump because nothing ever does. I’m not so sure. Having closely monitored MAGA media for the last decade, I can tell you the depravity of Jeffrey Epstein is their North Star. They seek answers. They want names. They want to know who else was involved in any sex trafficking of minors.
This won’t end even if Trump launches an investigation to see if Hillary Clinton is trans or calls for Jimmy Kimmel to be executed by Clorox injection inside Alligator Alcatraz. Trump can’t make the Epstein files vanish by banning leafy greens or vowing to deport John Leguizamo.
So keep the Epstein files alive, media. This is Donald Trump’s kryptonite.
The more he changes the subject, the more you stay focused.
