Donald Trump’s new TV show is called “Mass Deportations.”
The reality dreck started this month when ICE agents descended on American cities like they were playing Pokémon Go. Instead of cartoons, the agents are searching for illegal immigrants.
Let’s raid that meat packing plant. What about that school? I see one picking strawberries! Get him!
A surreal episode of “Mass Deportations” starred a familiar face this week.
In video widely shared online, a cuffed migrant is standing on a Chicago street. He is peppered with southern drawl queries from a detective in an unzipped parka: “What’s your name?” “Where you from?” “Where you born?” “Never been deported?” “What you been charged with?” “Are you a citizen?”
The stunned migrant suddenly recognizes his interrogator.
Migrant: “You’re Dr. Phil?”
Dr. Phil: “Yeah. How do you know me?”
Migrant: “I seen ‘Dr. Phil’ on TV.”
Dr. Phil: “Yeah. Yeah.”
Dr. Phil said “yeah” more than Paris Hilton says, “That’s hot.” That migrant looked bewildered. Imagine robbing a bank and running into Chief Wiggum.
Why is Dr. Phil starring in “Mass Deportations”? Because Trump is obsessed with media and celebrity. If there were real “emergencies,” he wouldn’t be golfing already. It’s like telling your spouse there is a fire in the basement and you’ll call 911 after the hockey game.
Star power is Trump’s favourite condiment. If he comes up with a doomed health-care plan, the press conference will feature Meredith Grey and Doogie Howser.
Sure, Phil McGraw may look like a moonshiner who reeks of pork rinds. But to Trump, Phil once earned monster ratings on TV. So maybe if Dr. Moustache is embedded with ICE, he can bring eyeballs to “Mass Deportations” as he once did with surprise paternity tests, underage sociopaths and nanny affairs.
Plus, he was Oprah’s protégé. Trump now hates Oprah.
She may get deported next.
Dr. Phil claims he wants to ride along with ICE to show how agents are targeting violent criminals with surgical precision. This is difficult to argue when half of the arrested so far do not have criminal records. Surgical precision?
This is more like when fishing trawlers throw down a huge net and ensnare a few baby dolphins during the catch. Whoopsie.
Now that America has entered its “Show Me Your Papers” era, there are also reports of naturally born citizens getting stopped in the dragnet. There will undoubtedly be future stories about how Pedro was born in Newark and then one day was yanked out of a restaurant kitchen where he worked double shifts washing dishes to feed his kids. Now Pedro is living in Colombia and frantically taking Spanish lessons to sort out this mess.
How do you know “Mass Deportations” is a TV show? Trump is not happy with the early ratings and results. Agents are now expected to meet arrest quotas, like they are marble tile salesmen working on commission. According to CNN, Trump also wants his foot soldiers to “dress for the cameras” and wear raid jackets to generate media buzz.
Half of those ICE guns are probably film props from “John Wick.”
Trump can stage manage a photo-op and video clip better than MrBeast. It’s why he is also using military planes for “Mass Deportations” instead of the usual DHS charters, despite the massive hit on taxpayer dollars.
The C-130E can transport close to 40,000 pounds in payload. That’s considerably higher than the combined weight of 80 migrants. The operating cost of a C-130E can exceed $70,000 per hour. Using such an aircraft to “repatriate” migrants is about as fiscally sound as taking your child to school in a hot-air balloon.
But this is not an indie co-pro. There are no budget restraints on “Mass Deportations,” not when it is executive produced by Stephen Miller, Trump’s director of xenophobia. The plan is to trigger a ruckus and spectacle while hoping those who voted for Trump are too pumped to notice how eggs cost even more after Joe Biden left. If the red hats are whooping with delight as migrants are frogmarched out of community marshes, maybe they won’t notice how Trump just froze spending on programs they depend on for food and medicine.
No more Meals on Wheels for you, Grandpa. Better eat those Trump sneakers.
The good news? There are only 1,378 days until the next U.S. election, not that I’m counting by doodling a teardrop in my calendar on each passing day. The bad news? Prepare for an avalanche of reality shows: “Who Wants to Marry a Broligarch?” “The Apprentice: Cabinet Edition.” “NATO Survivor.” “The Real Housewives of Mar-a-Lago.” “Dancing With the Insurrectionists.” “The Surreal World.” “Selling State Secrets on Sunset.“ “The Amazing Gestapo.” “Are You Smarter Than a Kash Patel?”
The decline of America will be televised. And, yeah, Dr. Phil will be there.
