In what sounds like an April Fools’ joke, police in Germany started a murder investigation this past weekend after a dog walker stumbled upon a charred corpse stuffed into an Ikea bag.
Per a story in the Times U.K.: “It took more than five hours for investigators to discover that the body was, in fact, a next-generation sex doll, known as a ‘real doll’ because they appear lifelike and do not require inflation. Its owner had apparently tried to burn the doll then thrown it away in the undergrowth.”
It’s like investigating a bank robbery only to discover you are standing in an escape room and the empty vault contained Monopoly money.
Speaking of cash, are you dreading Liberation Day? That’s what Donald Trump is rebranding Wednesday, when his new batch of idiotic tariffs will be revealed like letters on “Wheel of Fortune.”
Congrats, America! You will soon be liberated from prosperity.
Someone should buy Trump a sex doll to stop him from dry humping the global economy: “Mr. President, this is Sweetie Fox. She gets aroused over free trade.’
OK, I don’t know why anyone would drop hundreds on a sex doll only to throw it away like it’s a broken lamp. I’d love to interview this German lover boy to gauge his buyer’s remorse.
Was he missing work after spending too much time with his fake girlfriend? Did he resent having to change octaves and do both sides of the pillow talk? Did she come to life one night to say she had a headache?
This isn’t a one-off. In Germany, according to the Times: “On Monday police were called when a life-sized doll was found lying on a bench in the western city of Bingen. Last week a body part reported to police in a field near Bad Kreuznach in the southwest turned out to be a silicone backside. In February in Hanover the fire brigade recovered a doll floating on its back in a canal.”
First responders don’t have time and resources to positively ID Yasmin 1.0.
They’re too busy right now just dealing with Tesla vandalism.
Now I’m worried about all those Bay mannequins. Will they end up in the Don River and trigger a serial killer probe? At least store mannequins are not realistic, not unless you know adults with 15-inch waists and cheekbones sharp enough to cut steel.
I probably shouldn’t be conducting such research on my work computer, but I just Googled “real doll sex dolls.” These silicone mistresses with PVC skeletons look as real as any Hollywood star after cosmetic surgery. It’s all quite ghoulish.
One site allows you to mix and match torsos and heads.
This illegal dumping of sex dolls is not limited to Germany, even if that country has a surplus of fetishists. Authorities have been called in many countries after a traumatized hiker or truck driver spots a lifeless body with cartoonish proportions. Two years ago in Texas, the sirens wailed as detectives rushed to a crime scene. They were met with a sex doll in a pink bra.
What is the ecological impact of this carnal pollution? According to one estimate, the global sex doll industry will top $1 billion within five years. Fish are already choking on microbeads. Next, they will be ingesting fake nipples?
We need a new system. Sex dolls may boast bio-verisimilitude, but they are not biodegradable. Nobody wants a lover made of bamboo. The chafing alone would warrant a full refund. But what are we to do? We can’t just add a new bin — black bin, blue bin, green bin, sex doll bin — and expect the weirdo across the street to roll it out on collection day.
We all know he is dumping that Black Widow doppelganger in High Park.
Manufacturers should be good stewards of the planet and offer a take-back program. Tired of those booty calls with non-verbal Lara Croft? Fine. Return her in this prepaid shipping crate. We’ll keep your money. But who knows, maybe we can reuse the ears or feet after chemical fumigation.
It’s the emerging status quo that is threatening.
We can’t have overworked paramedics checking for a pulse on Meredith Buttercups. We can’t have detectives launching man hunts until one of them recognizes the “victim” from a fringe OnlyFans page. We can’t add a new category of illegal dumping — there’s already too much trash.
Men are throwing away sex dolls and this is a mess for all of us.
