To get in shape, every man over 50 should be offered a Marvel role.
Sure, doctors can cough up a laundry list of exercise benefits: Boost your cardiovascular health! More energy! Stronger bones and muscles! Fantastic mood! Live longer!
None of this comes close to hearing a casting director say: “You’ll be wearing leotards and spandex.”
Oh my God! Time to work out!
Gentleman, I direct your attention to the August cover of Men’s Fitness U.K. I suspect the ladies have already seen it. Before this week, if someone asked you to describe Sacha Baron Cohen’s body, your brain would spit out grainy images of sloppy Ali G or campy Brüno or hairy Borat in a mankini.
Those images are now null and avoid.
In what commentators described as “unbelievable,” “jaw-dropping,” “mind blowing” and “transformational,” Mr. Cohen has turned his average joe shell into something that belongs in the UFC. You could iron your shirt on his rock-hard belly. His biceps look like balloon animals. His pecs could double as helipads. His internal organs must feel like they were abducted.
I’m a heterosexual man and I couldn’t stop ogling this beefcake.
The comedian was self-deprecating in explaining the metamorphosis. As he captioned on Instagram: “This is not AI, I really am egotistical enough to do this. Some celebs use Ozempic, some use personal chefs, others use personal trainers. I did all three.
“Hard launching my mid-life crisis.”
Actually, no. This is not a mid-life crisis. And it’s not a “revenge bod,” as some speculated, citing Cohen’s divorce last year from Isla Fisher. This is a Marvel bod. Cohen got ridiculously buff because he plays Mephisto, a supervillain in the MCU. You can’t antagonize Spider-Man with demonic, shape-shifting, mind-controlling powers while inflicting mayhem with man boobs.
There is a reason Captain America does not use his shield to cover his beer gut.
Again, every man over 50 should be offered a Marvel role. Look at what happened to Kumail Nanjiani. One day he’s playing Dinesh in HBO’s “Silicon Valley.” Then he lands the role of Kingo Sunen in Marvel’s “Eternals” and gets jacked.
As he explained in 2019: “I never thought I’d be one of those people who would post a thirsty shirtless, but I’ve worked way too hard for way too long so here we are … I’m glad I look like this, but I also understand why I never did before.”
Dude, we all understand. It’s because you were not in a Marvel movie before.
There was no reason for Dinesh to have eight-pack abs or look like someone who could open a pickle jar with one pinky. It was perfectly fine to resemble one of my second cousins who goes hard on battered foods.
At least Nanjiani kept a swatch of chest hair. Cohen went from hedgehog to naked mole-rat. It’s depressing to think the pressure on male body grooming has caught up to the preposterous beauty standards imposed upon women forever.
I pin this shift on a cultural period between 1972 and 1984, when people first idolized the shag carpet on Burt Reynold’s torso and then switched to admire Don Johnson’s hairless chest in “Miami Vice.”
Now every third podcast ad I hear is for Manscaped.
Speaking of hedgehogs, that was the nickname of disgraced porn star Ron Jeremy. I’m reminded of something he told me in 2002 — I’m getting so old and running out of time to get in shape — when we were chatting about his ambitions to become a mainstream actor.
“I want to do something bizarre,” he said, getting a bit too close in his hotel room. “Play a gay hairdresser. Or a clean-cut professor at a college. I’d love to play a nice, blond surfer dude with a rippled stomach. Unfortunately, that role wouldn’t work on me.”
But had he been offered such a role, the rippled stomach would have followed.
Look at Chris Pratt’s body in “Guardians of the Galaxy.” I bet you 10 cheeseburgers it won’t look like that six months after he retires from acting. Look at Hugh Jackman’s body in “Logan,” one of the greatest superhero movies. There is no way he’d have that body if he worked at IBM. It’s not happening. Tom Hardy’s body in “The Dark Knight Rises” is not something you find at H&R Block.
Hollywood is always under pressure to give back and do more for society. This is a great opportunity. Send scouts to major metropolitan areas and hunt for guys with unhealthy BMIs. Tap them on the shoulder and say, “Sir, do you want Type 2 diabetes or do you want a shot at becoming the next Doctor Strange? You have six months to transform like Sacha Baron Cohen.”
I am starting Cohen’s “25 Minutes a Day” regimen tomorrow.
And then one day, fingers crossed, I will be the Brown Panther.
