There was a time when bathing involved crocodile dung or horse broth.
So when it comes to getting clean, we’ve come a long way … or have we? I ask after reading a story in the Star this week about the “no poo” movement. Fear not, gastroenterologists. This is “poo” as in shampoo.
It’s like a “no pee” movement that is anti-peekaboo.
As Kevin Jiang wrote: “A growing ’no poo’ movement is seeing adherents swear off shampoo in favour of more natural alternatives, or even skip the step entirely. But some experts say this practice can place you in a hairy situation.”
It’s always interesting to rethink our daily rituals. It’s not just shampoo. There is also a robust anti-soap movement. And a dubious anti-deodorant movement, which frankly sounds ghastly for the rest of us. I have yet to hear about an anti-toothbrush movement, though I’m willing to bet Robert F. Kennedy Jr. prefers apple cider vinegar over Colgate.
It does a much better job removing bear cub stains.
I never shave every day because it’s such an ordeal. I am cursed with recalcitrant follicles. My face doesn’t sprout hair — it nurtures freedom fighters that wage senseless war with Gillette. I sometimes need to make a dozen chin-and-cheek passes before giving up. If you took a blowtorch to my upper lip, the stubble would survive the blast radius. All shaving tips are welcome.
You know who endorses this “no poo” movement? The environment. Have you ever read the ingredients in your shampoo? The list would baffle Robert Bunsen. I just need a simple wash before this dinner meeting, Pert Plus. I don’t need my hair to smell like argan oil with hints of beeswax or shimmer like I’m crouching under a disco ball.
And what are all these microplastics doing in the bottles that line our tubs? Forever chemicals for that no fuss, no muss look? Why are microbeads not banned? They’re ending up in the ocean. If this keeps up, we will eventually be able to exfoliate with sashimi.
That settles it. I am joining this “no poo” movement. I’ve always wanted to join a movement and this is the first one that seems doable. Well, until my wife handcuffs me to the shower rod and lathers Head & Shoulders into my scalp because she can’t stand to look at me.
But, seriously, why waste time shampooing every day if it’s not necessary?
I recall Adam Carolla saying he never washes his hair. Ditto for Joe Keery of “Stranger Things.” And that dude has a lustrous mane that looks like it was imagined by Vidal Sassoon at the Kentucky Derby. Blake Lively shampoos but shuns conditioner. Ashton Kutcher is fastidious about his “armpits and crotch,” but rarely washes any other bit.
If his feet had a face and hands the fingers would be squeezing the nose.
The marketers inside Big Hair have us locked inside a vicious cycle. If you don’t use our products your hair will get greasy. But if you use our products your hair may get dry. Now you need mousse or gel. How about some dye? Oh, that colour really brings out your eyes! But now you need a special shampoo. And a conditioner that will protect the highlights.
But you know what I love about this movement? We are lucky to live in a society in which to poo or not to poo is still a question. In recent years, this column has become self-therapy, a brief respite to get my mind off the horrors in the world. War. Famine. Displaced migrants. Natural disasters. The footage out of Southern California this week, where fires are raging out of control, is a grim reminder of how quickly dreams can literally burn to the ground.
Meanwhile, Canada is now in prorogue inertia and America is morphing into a kleptocracy in real time. Elon Musk doesn’t have a sec to shampoo his locks because he’s too busy trying to rule the world. The broligarchs are seizing this moment to enrich their already insane fortunes.
Why is Meta ditching fact-checking? Because Mark Zuckerberg — a cyborg who looks like he shampoos with Mountain Dew — wants to curry favour with America’s incoming overlord.
I can’t write in this space that Zuckerberg keeps human body parts in the fridge and used a prototype weapon to shoot down Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. That would be libelous because it’s untrue. The Star would get sued. But, soon, you can say it on Facebook and nobody will get sued! In this disinfo age, facts are terrible for social media’s bottom line.
I changed my mind. I must keep washing my hair so it doesn’t catch on fire.
If shampoo is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Go on without me, no poo movement. But please use deodorant.
