Is it time for Katy Perry to save the world?
Tuesday is the one-year anniversary of Donald Trump’s second term. It feels like the one-year anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster or Jonestown massacre. Who knows what fresh hell awaits. Will this psycho slap a 500 per cent tariff on Venus? Will he annex Norway’s Lofoten Links? Will he bomb Ergoline to steal the tanning beds?
Leaders are cloistered in Davos this week for the World Economic Forum. The WEF is more of a WTF this year. International monetary policy is overshadowed by Trump’s escalating threats to own Greenland like it’s a teen beauty pageant.
Denmark, which controls the world’s largest island, has politely said the territory is not for sale. Danish citizens are protesting in MAGA caps — “Make America Go Away.” European leaders have warned any U.S. conquest of Greenland will blow up NATO.
In response, Trump says it’s too late, no going back, he must “control” the ice queen. It’s basically his marriage proposal to Melania all over again.
He is determined to grab this tundra mass by the private parts.
On Tuesday, Trump posted a bonkers AI image in which European leaders are in the Oval Office. A map on an easel depicts Greenland and Canada as covered in the Stars and Stripes.
Is he trolling? Is this a smoke bomb to distract from the Epstein files he refuses to release? Is he in advanced cognitive decline?
Enter Katy Perry. She is also in Davos as Justin Trudeau’s plus-one. Instead of just listening to lethally dull speeches, Ms. Perry should seize this moment. If she can rocket into space, perhaps she can bring meaningful change to Earth?
What do we know about Trump? Beyond the fact he is a malignant narcissist and pathological liar who smells faintly of Secret Sauce when he accepts a Nobel Peace Prize won by someone else, we know he is obsessed with celebrities.
He is always in a foul mood because there are no A-listers in Trumpville. He stares out an imaginary window and sees Kid Rock shooting beer cans as Ted Nugent swipes mealworm inside a Bass Pro outpost looking like a Civil War ghost after a bender.
Katy Perry is a major upgrade from Scott Baio or Dean Cain.
If Taylor Swift did an about-face and wrote a love song about the doofus-in-chief, he would levitate toward Cloud 9 and never mention Greenland again. Do you know what would happen if Robert De Niro issued a dramatic mea culpa and said he was dead wrong about Trump, who is clearly the greatest president in history?
Trump would defund ICE and restart USAID with De Niro in charge.
Celebrities are this man’s catnip and kryptonite. He confuses star wattage with aspirational status. He doesn’t want to be standing onstage with Lee Greenwood. He wants to be invited to the Met Gala with the boldest of the boldface as flashbulbs and a Timothée Chalamet high-five vaporize his lifelong insecurities.
Justin Trudeau? You are now on the speaker’s circuit. Here’s a speech you should give your girlfriend in Switzerland this week: “Let’s invite Donald out to dinner. I’ll pretend to get an emergency text and excuse myself. You stay and disarm him. Call him the most powerful man alive. Tell him he looks like Elvis. Ask if you can do a residency at Mar-a-Lago to showcase new diss tracks about James Comey. Convince him you want to be BFFs. Katy, do it for Greenland. Do it for the world.”
She might achieve what NATO cannot — make Trump feel cool.
I’m not saying this is a foolproof idea. I’m just saying we are running out of ideas to deal with this fool. So let’s give Katy a go. Trump always listens to the last person he hears. His brain is a rewritable external drive. He listens even more when the words are coming from a superstar and not some Project 2025 slob who is yammering on about the deep state.
All Perry needs to do in Davos is compliment Trump — repeatedly. He wants Greenland because it’s “psychologically” important to him, as he told the New York Times. That’s not geopolitics or national security or even rare minerals — it’s a one-star Yelp review of a mangled ego.
Foreign leaders keep trying to reason with Trump without realizing it would be easier to teach an iguana to eat with a knife and fork.
Trump is immune to logic and reality. He occupies a parallel universe.
But he is a sucker for A-listers. Who knows, celebrity validation might snuff out territorial expansion. We are in a meshuga timeline where diplomacy is no match for vibes.
Katy Perry, slip into one of your crazy outfits and get us sorted.
