How much longer until Melania Trump endorses Kamala Harris?
Don’t scoff. It could happen. The former first lady, usually as elusive as Waldo, is back in the spotlight. That’s her second least favourite place, behind only her husband’s boudoir.
Her new memoir, creatively titled “Melania,” arrives Tuesday. It may be a cry for help. Or a desperate attempt to avoid returning to the White House.
On Thursday, Melania also released a video on X.
With the sound off, the black-and-white footage gives off Dior vibes. She is framed tightly, a head-to-sternum visage of a glam lady who lunches. Is she hawking a new necklace? A PSA about shrinkflation and beluga caviar? Wishing her fellow Slovenians a happy Sovereignty Day?
Turn on the sound and you will fall out of your chair.
“Individual freedom is a fundamental principle that I safeguard,” Melania says, atop a jaunty classical score. “Without a doubt, there is no room for compromise when it comes to these essential rights that all women possess from birth. Individual freedom. What does ‘My Body, My Choice’ really mean?”
I think it means skulls are exploding inside Team Trump headquarters.
On Wednesday, the Guardian obtained an excerpt from Melania’s upcoming memoir, one that is likely to get banned in the red states. Sample passages: “It is imperative to guarantee that women have autonomy in deciding their preference of having children, based on their own convictions, free from any intervention or pressure from the government.” And: “Restricting a woman’s right to choose whether to terminate an unwanted pregnancy is the same as denying her control over her own body.”
If not quite an October Surprise, this is certainly an October WTF.
Melania knows abortion is the issue that may keep her husband out of power. Tellingly, she has taken a defiant stand at diametric odds with the GOP.
It’s as if Doug Emhoff released a video denouncing the Affordable Care Act.
I take Melania at her word when she writes, “I have carried this belief with me throughout my entire adult life.” What I don’t get is the timing. If she wants her husband to emerge victorious on Nov. 5, why not push back the publishing date and pro-abortion videos to Nov. 6? Or maybe I just answered my own question.
Melania Trump does not want a first lady sequel. You can’t blame her. When her husband won in 2016, she bawled – they were not tears of joy. She was blissful in Manhattan, tickled to be flashing the Amex along Fifth Avenue.
Then all of a sudden she was forced to hobnob with partisan hacks in Washington, lethally dull dopes who buy off the rack and wouldn’t know an Hermès from a hernia.
She intuited the media would now scrutinize her every move.
They speculated about the words on the back of her jackets. They made fun of her crimson, horror movie Christmas decor. They pointed out how she refused to hold her husband’s hand in public. The noted how her resting face had slipped from carefree to miserable. They catalogued her long stretches of MIA.
First lady again? Melania would rather move to Lebanon and open a falafel stand before she is once again tasked with manicuring the Rose Garden.
This week, her lunatic husband said he plans to deport legal immigrants. You don’t think Melania is fighting the urge to call the hotline and report herself? When her mind wanders to a dark place, I bet she wonders what her life might be like if Mary Trump had an abortion.
Melania? Coming out this week as a staunch defender of reproductive rights is a great start. But if you really want to sabotage your husband’s re-election bid, there is more to do.
Release a video explaining how across-the-board tariffs will tank the global economy. Become BFFs with Stormy Daniels. Leak insider tips to the tabloids, like how your husband believes solar panels cause gonorrhea. Get front-row seats to a Taylor Swift concert. Plant a Harris-Walz flag at Mar-A-Lago. Jet to Ohio and fall in love with a Haitian immigrant.
Or just endorse Kamala Harris.
This could be the greatest October Surprise in history. You know your husband isn’t qualified to run a Shake Shack. You know he’s a malignant narcissist. You know he’s a pathological liar. Remember that time he said he was going golfing and then you walked into his boudoir to find him dry-humping a mannequin of himself while humming “YMCA”?
You know he poses a grave danger to all that is good and decent.
Melania, you are dreading Trump 2.0. So is the world.
There can be no compromise. Do what you can to save us all.
