Let us now investigate the smooching habits of Keanu Reeves.
If my laptop is ever stolen, thieves will be baffled by many files that contain seemingly pointless celebrity ephemera. Cameron Diaz opens doorknobs with her elbows. Ed Sheeran travels with Heinz ketchup. Matthew McConaughey is anti-deodorant and has not fumigated his armpits since the ’80s. Donald Trump dozes off in court, which can only mean Agent Orange will be well rested in the months ahead. Godspeed, Don Poorleone!
(That gratuitous reference goes out to Star commenter Phil.)
Here’s an entry from last year: Keanu kisses with his eyes open.
At the time, I figured this was a one-off, a shutter fluke on the red carpet. People who do not close their eyes when locking lips tend to be serial killers or Nickelback fans. Vladimir Putin does not close his eyes when he slobbers over his oil paintings of Peter the Great.
But Keanu’s 2023 kiss with girlfriend Alexandra Grant was not a one-off. It happened again. The beloved actor and his artist companion were at a gala in L.A. this weekend when cameras caught them in a warm-up drill to tonsil hockey.
Ms. Grant looked resplendent in her satin blue gown. Mr. Reeves also looked natty, save for his dirty shoes that were possibly bequeathed by an 18th-century mushroom forager.
TMZ posted a photo of The Kiss on Monday.
In the image, the couple are standing at the bottom of a steel staircase. Their lips are touching. The vibe is less carnal passion and more conjoined twins. Since Alexandra has normal physiological responses, her eyes are sweetly closed.
She is kissing the man she loves. She is lost in the moment.
By creepy contrast, Keanu’s eyes appear to be held open by invisible toothpicks. It’s like he is trying to steal her soul or sell her a time-share in Puerto Vallarta. He is also smile-kissing, a rare phenomenon once mastered by Richard Dawson.
O.J. Simpson was also a smile-kisser. We know where that led.
As TMZ noted of Keanu and Alexandra: “They gave each other a little peck of a kiss on the lips … but what caught everyone by surprise was the fact that KR was wide-eyed and looking right at AG’s up-close face.”
Yes, that would be surprising. Especially if you are AG and your eyes flutter open to see your boyfriend counting the pores on your nose with the bemused resting face of someone in a car wash.
Why does Keanu not close his eyes when he kisses?
When his doctor whacks his patellar tendon to test a knee jerk reflex, do his ears wiggle? Does he stare into a solar eclipse to rejuvenate his X-ray vision? I bet you there is highly unsettling footage out there of Keanu sneezing — my God, he didn’t even blink!
Is this a new tic? When he was younger, did he close his eyes when getting to first base with Jill Schoelen or Sofia Coppola? The thing about kissing is it changes with aging. As in, you do less of it. And PDAs tend to be for the young, which is why you never see an 80-year-old couple grinding dentures in the back of a candlelit bistro.
Eventually, the French kissing gives way to fist bumps and side hugs. My wife does not want my tongue in her mouth any more than she wants a root canal. Her new term of endearment is to pat me on the head like I’m a beagle. I kind of like it. I came home from the market this weekend with a great deal on maple salmon and got a triple pat.
Two portions for $7.99? Pat, pat, pat.
But when I do kiss her, it would be absolutely terrifying if her eyes stayed open like a zombie in an apocalypse flick. There are waking moments when humans should close their eyes. Kissing is one. I kindly ask my wife to also avert her gaze when I’m coming out of the shower or wobbling on a ladder while trying to clean the eaves.
Scientists have studied why we close our eyes when we kiss. It’s something about max concentration of pleasure receptors in the brain.
We close our eyes to focus on the kiss.
So one possible Keanu theory: after filming his “John Wick” movies, he has absorbed a deep distrust of lips. How can he be sure if Alexandra really wants to kiss him or kill his dog? If he loses vision, even for a split second, what if hit men sneak out from the shadows of a modern art sculpture made from old airplane parts and rush him with Ginsu knives?
Keanu Reeves, as a kissing bandit, is an enigma wrapped in a mystery inside a riddle.
Or maybe he’s just a weirdo.
