What photos will Martha Stewart share when she turns 85 in two years?
Will she spring out of a giant red velvet cake in bustier-and-garters? Will she sprawl on luxury sheets in a silk teddy as flickering candles cast shadows across her thighs? Will she float in an aquamarine pool, eyes nearly closed, with a lustful look that either says “take me inside” or “get me the charcuterie board”?
The world is in a bad way. But that has not stopped Ms. Stewart from pursuing her crown as the Queen of Thirst Traps. Already this decade, she has won Influencer of the Year accolades and global headlines as the oldest cover model in the history of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.
What’s next? A leaked sex tape?
The lifestyle maven was at it again this week with a new ad for MAC Cosmetics. The campaign, titled “I Only Wear MAC,” has Stewart perched at a kitchen island. Her platinum hair is tousled. Her wardrobe is a rose-pewter gown.
The vibe is OnlyFans meets Pusateri’s.
“Hi, I’m Martha Stewart. What gets me in the nude? How about a strawberry, fresh picked from the garden,” she says, sensually biting into the fruit like she’s re-enacting a scene from “9½ Weeks.”
What else gets her in the nude? No, it’s not begonias, Italian shale, high tea, fancy pets or lying to investigators over a sketchy stock trade. It’s honey.
“Mmm, golden amber,” coos Stewart, “Mmm. Makes a mess.”
I can’t tell if I’m turned on or if I’m suddenly craving Honey Nut Cheerios. But you know what? Aside from her tongue, she didn’t really make a mess. The lady can really twirl a honey dipper.
The camera then focuses on a pomegranate.
“Try eating one of these in a lily-white bed,” says Stewart, her sexy voice briefly giving way to an inner schoolmarm. “Can’t do it.”
Of course I can’t do it, Martha. Do you know what would happen if I smuggled pomegranate seeds into bed and accidentally left crimson stains on our discounted Bay bedding? My wife would beat me with a pineapple. I’d be safer bringing a neutron bomb into the boudoir.
After this sexy three-course meal, it’s time for the product shot, which People magazine helpfully identified as “M*A*CXIMAL Sleek Satin Lipstick in Fleshpot.”
Stewart runs it over her lips and suggestively says: “I love the glide.”
The ad concludes with her head turning side to side as she whispers in ASMR staccato into two phallic mikes: “I’m. Martha. Stewart. And. I. Only. Wear. MAC.”
I have no clue if the ad will help sell lipsticks. But beauty companies tend to be sanguine when it comes to casting a wide marketing net. Consider a Neutrogena tag line that targets everyone: “For people with skin.”
I also can’t think of many others around Stewart’s age who are bold enough to embrace thirst traps. Well, Donald Trump would give it a go if there was a buck to be made. But I don’t think the youngsters would cheer him on as they did for Stewart this week.
Great, now there’s a disturbing image in my head. Trump is sprawled in tighty-whities on a putting green with Chicken McNuggets resting on his bare belly like hot massage stones: “Ladies, you know you want the honey mustard.”
I took piano lessons as a kid. My dad was fond of kitsch art with stick figures and proclamations. Our house looked like it was decorated by New Yorker cartoonists and fluffers who forgot to remove the plastic from lamp shades. When I’d be practising Mozart or Chopin, there was a cardboard cut-out on the piano featuring a pre-Dilbert bespectacled fellow.
I can’t remember the exact wording. But it was something like, “The Key to Happiness is Total Disregard Over What Anyone Thinks.”
That describes Martha Stewart in her octogenarian years. It’s inspiring.
Sure, she still throws on a sensible skirt when sharing party tray ideas or tips on how to remove grime around the claw tub. But sometimes she just wants to fire up the carnal sensors and get her freak on
With so many people given to routine, this forward momentum is admirable.
Some quotes from her Sports Illustrated Swimsuit spread: “When you’re through changing, you’re through.” “Learn something new every day.” “I love to travel — my favourite place to go is the place I haven’t been yet.”
It’s not that Stewart wants to compete in a swimsuit competition against Sydney Sweeney or Emily Ratajkowski. It’s more that she wants to keep competing against herself. She takes risks, tries new things, all while playfully subverting expectations in a society where ageism is the last acceptable prejudice.
She has enough money to hang it up. She seems more inclined to take it off.
Mmm. Martha Stewart.
