Ne-Yo is a Grammy-winning singer and a man who gets scolded three times when he leaves the toilet seat up.
It’s hard to keep track of modern sexuality. I just Googled, “What’s the difference between polygamy and polyamory?” I think Ne-Yo is polyamorous. He’s not in a “throuple,” à la Bella Thorne a few years ago. Ne-Yo has three partners.
Fourouple? Quadrangle? Bedlam?
The singer recently explained his love life to a confused Sherri Shepherd: “The main understanding is I’m not in three relationships. I’m in one relationship with three people.”
Honey, I didn’t have three martinis. I had one martini in three glasses.
I just imagined having two more wives and fell out of my chair.
According to Ne-Yo, the key to his arrangement is honesty and open communication. He makes sure the three women — Cristina, Moneii and Arielle Hill — get “individual time” in between group settings when the four are bickering over shower schedules or voting on what to watch on Netflix.
Then when there is a lull in the hullabaloo, Ne-Yo presumably sneaks off to his man cave in a flop sweat and queries his digital assistant in a desperate whisper: “When is Moneii’s birthday again? Is Arielle the one allergic to shellfish? Did Cristina take gymnastics as a girl or was it piano lessons? Where did Bri go?”
That’s right. In researching this dispatch, I stumbled upon an Instagram video Ne-Yo posted last year with this caption: “Since the world is so intrigued, I guess I should introduce my loves properly. LADIES AND GENTS I PRESENT MY PYRAMID.”
The camera spun around four women inexplicably holding signs such as “I’m Naughty and Nice” and “They Not Like Us.” There is Cristina, a.k.a. “Pretty Baby.” There is Arielle, a.k.a. “Twin Flame.” There is Moneii, a.k.a. “Phoenix Feather.”
But there is also a Bri, a.k.a. “Sexy Lil’ Somethin’.” She is now MIA.
Maybe she changed her moniker to “Sexy Lil’ I’m Outta Here.”
I want Ne-Yo to explain the logistics. What can men with just one spouse learn from this multi-tasking Casanova?
How does laundry work? Are there four hampers? Who is responsible for separating the whites? What is the doghouse punishment on individual date night if he accidentally takes Cristina antiquing when really it was Arielle’s turn to go out for tacos?
How are arguments resolved in a fourouple? If Ne-Yo forgets to take out the recycling, is it Moneii’s task to read him the riot act? Do they have a shared anniversary? Do his seven children from two previous relationships call everyone “mom” in the PYRAMID?
You think gift-giving is challenging with just one spouse? This poor guy must need AI to keep track of what he bought last year and for whom while calibrating the relative monetary and sentimental value of each gift for romantic equity.
Three friends with benefits sounds like triple anxiety.
So much up and down. Ne-Yo should change his name to Yo-Yo.
Isn’t Valentine’s Day coming up? After all these years I still can’t remember where Valentine’s Day falls on the winter calendar. And I only have to pamper one woman. Ne-Yo probably convenes a planning meeting every Feb. 1 with personal shoppers, therapists, psychics and soothsayers from Madison Avenue.
As he told Shepherd about Valentine’s Day: “I have to make sure I get a gift for each of them that matches who they are. As far as where we go — what we do — that we decide together. We go to one restaurant, concert, whatever it is we’re doing.”
When I’m dining out with my wife, she usually wants to try a bite of whatever I order. It’s endearing. But if I had to share my food with three wives, I’d need to order a second entrée. And how do you find a musical act four people love before settling on a concert? How do you plan a vacation in the Caribbean when one lover wants to go to Iceland and another is demanding Tokyo?
Can you even fit four straws in a mango shake?
The odds of agreement seem worse than winning Lotto Max.
I’m not judging. Live and let live. That’s my motto. If Ne-Yo has the resources and mental bandwidth to juggle a music career, two exes, seven kids and three girlfriends, I salute his conducting skills.
I just don’t understand how any of this works.
Is intimacy a group sport? Or does Ne-Yo have a tricked-out boudoir with triple-tier bunks that allows him to scurry up and down a ladder all night while getting busy one mattress at a time? What if he screams out the wrong name in the dark? Do three indignant voices scream back?
I am grateful to be in a relationship that does not require an HR department.
This polyamory PYRAMID life sounds EXHAUSTING.
