Matthew McConaughey wants the world to snuggle.
The actor with the blinding smile and perfect hair — it looks like a glamorous nest for bird royalty — is making the media rounds. Mr. McConaughey has just published a book, “Poems & Prayers.”
It includes many of his beliefs, some spiritual, some practical. For example, he offers a bedroom tip for couples in staccato verse: “One way to surely / get ahead. / Is get rid of that / king-Size mattress. / And Sleep in / a Queen-Size Bed.”
He expanded on his mattress philosophy during an appearance on “The View.”
A few years ago, he visited friends who had two king-sized beds pushed together. This was a workaround in case their small kids climbed into bed in the wee hours.
Instead of sensibly deciding he can’t be friends with such people, McConaughey tried it at his house. But, eventually, his kids stopped making the pyjama pilgrimage. So Mr. and Mrs. McConaughey were abandoned in a space bigger than “The Lost Bus.” This made him sad.
“You’re waking up and going, ‘Oh, hey, honey’ — about 20 feet away there,” he said. “Not productive for snuggling. All right? So drop down to a queen-size bed. It’s good for your marriage.”
The audience clapped. The hosts nodded. I was confused.
McConaughey has not thought this one out. If I told my wife we were ditching our king for a queen she’d counter-offer with bunk beds. Or buy me a sleeping bag.
You know what’s good for a marriage? When both partners are well rested. My wife doesn’t want me squeezing her rib cage when she’s in an REM state. Also, why do these rich people think the rest of us have unlimited square footage to experiment with sleeping arrangements?
Two king beds pushed together? Sure, maybe I can also add a couple of grand pianos so we can write love songs before nighty-night? My one king takes up most of the bedroom. To get in or out, I must shimmy sideways along the wall like I’m Tom Cruise trying to evade laser beams before escaping from a booby-trapped vault in Budapest.
Besides, once you’re married long enough, random cuddling may be viewed suspiciously by your soul mate: Is he spooning because he did something wrong? Is he nuzzling my neck because he has a guilty conscience? WHAT DID HE DO? WHY ARE HIS KNEES PRESSED INTO MY UNDERARMS?”
Want to snuggle? Do it while watching Netflix.
Want to sleep? Maximize spatial distance.
Let’s face it. As a species, we sleep real weird. Has a narcoleptic gazelle ever nodded off as lions closed in? Do monkeys snore? Have you ever seen a zebra hooked up to a CPAP? Do lemurs toss and turn? Can an elephant sleepwalk?
I just triggered a sad childhood memory. I am convinced my dead goldfish is just in an upside-down slumber. I can still see my dad, net in hand, flushing the toilet.
Here’s some bedroom advice: stop checking the phone at all hours. The glow of that doomscrolling is waking up your spouse. Or how about this: banish Alexa from the nightstand.
My wife asks Alexa to set reminders whenever something pops into her head. The problem? The things that pop into her head do not follow a sleep schedule. These human-to-robot convos could wake up the dead, mostly because Alexa is set to volume 10.
My wife at 2 a.m.: “Alexa, remind me tomorrow to return the sweater.”
Alexa: “OK, I’LL REMIND YOU TO RETURN THE SWEATER! WHEN SHOULD I REMIND YOU TO RETURN THE SWEATER? SHOULD I SET ANY OTHER REMINDERS?”
Then my eyes pop open as a crescent moon hangs in the sky.
Ignore Matthew. If you are fortunate enough to have a king bed, cherish every 76-by-80 inch. Downsizing your mattress makes about as much sense as upsizing a sewing needle. How are you supposed to stitch a button back on that blouse with a baseball bat?
Meanwhile, as McConaughey is drawling on about the power of sharing a futon, the hottest trend for couples is “sleep divorce.” It’s not just Melania who is doing it. Many couples have decided the best way to stay together is to sleep apart.
We are in a bed-sales bonanza, which is why every third podcast ad is for a newfangled mattress. Climate control. Massaging coils. Levitation mode. Sleeping alone means you can do whatever you want with zero threat of partner veto.
Matthew McConaughey’s bedroom advice will spike the divorce rate.
I will conclude with a poem he may include in a future book:
“We plebes yearn to Sleep. / Not snuggle like sheep / The Almighty grants us rest, airtight. / Alright, Alright, Alright.”
