Take your average wedding flick, shotgun a hostage situation into it and add some anarchic energy from Rebel Wilson and you get “Bride Hard,” which is a movie, for better or for worse. In this case, much, much worse.
“Bride Hard” — which combines thrusting male strippers dressed as Vikings as well as deadly automatic weapon fire — isn’t funny or thrilling. It has the kind of lazy pacing you’d usually find on the Hallmark Channel and a level of acting not much better than porn.
Director Simon West, whose action movie credits include “Con Air” and “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider,” seems to be making a parody until he’s not. The whole thing stinks of an ‘80s low-budget movie that you might find, back in the day, rummaging through a discount bin at Blockbuster.
Wilson stars as Sam, a secret government “Mission Impossible”-type agent who is a loose cannon, lethal with an elbow and as creative as MacGyver, but poor at managing her personal life.
“I will give you all of your flowers on the job, but in your real life, you’re kind of dumb,” says her agent friend, played by Sherry Cola, who like everyone here, has been shorn of saying anything amusing. Even the blooper reel at the end of the movie is underwhelming.
We start when Sam is reunited with her childhood best friend, bride-to-be Betsy — Wilson’s “Pitch Perfect” co-star Anna Camp — for a bachelorette party in Paris, which goes disastrously bad since Sam is also hunting for a bioweapon at the time.
The action then shifts to a mansion on a private island in Savannah, Georgia, the site of a lavish wedding and lots of daytime drinking. That is, until heavily armed goons arrive to steal a pallet of gold bars. (Gold bars, like it’s a Looney Tunes cartoon.) It’s up to Sam to save the day and prove she’s a good friend.
Screenwriters Cece Pleasants and Shaina Steinberg seem to be mocking spy thrillers and wedding movies alike until they also kind of stop. There’s lots of real blood, fiery explosions, impalings and electrocutions, along with irritable bowel syndrome jokes and plenty of kicks to the groin.
Sample dialogue: “Oh, Sam, you’re alone,” the mother of the bride says as she approaches Sam. “Well, no. I have my emotional support boobs,” Sam responds. There’s also needless scene-explaining, like one bad guy yelling, “She’s using the chocolate fountains as cover!” Yeah, we see that.
Have the screenwriters been reading the room? Not clear. “If anybody ever mentions that I’m a secret agent, we will rendition you to one of our many unnamed bases,” warns Sam, as her spy colleague does a throat-slitting gesture. Rendition jokes are really so funny this summer.
To be fair, there are some intriguing wedding-themed assaults, like the use of hairspray in the eyes, curling iron burns and a bad guy’s chest punctured on an hors d’oeuvres platter. Sam likes to wield champagne bottles as clubs.
One of the most cringe moments is when a stressed-out pregnant bridesmaid requests another sing the nasty, freaky “My Neck, My Back (Lick It)” to her unborn baby, which triggers a sing-a-long with all the captives, mostly white, rich and middle aged. But even here it’s neutered: The moviemakers go with the radio edit.
The movie co-stars Stephen Dorff as the main bad guy, Justin Hartley as eye candy with a secret, Anna Chlumsky as a high-strung maid of honor and Da’Vine Joy Randolph as an edgy, sassy bridesmaid. They all need to break up with their agents. (So does whoever did the stunts — the body doubles are embarrassing.)
“Bride Hard” hits an insane low in a battle sequence in which the bridesmaids — all in fluffy red gowns — use Revolutionary-era cannons to take on trained mercenaries in tactical gear with rocket-propelled grenades. That, of course, leads to plenty of jokes about “ramming it in.”
If you do decide to pony up real cash to see this historic misfire in the movie theaters instead of waiting until you can hate-watch it for free on a streaming service, we have a word of advice: Bring your emotional support boobs.
“Bride Hard,” a Magenta Light Studios release in theaters Friday, is rated R for “sexual references and some violence.” Running time: 105 minutes. Zero stars out of four.
