The gremlins inside Donald Trump’s head must have ADHD.
They pump new marching orders into his brain every morning: Bomb a Venezuelan fishing boat! Bulldoze the East Wing! Call Jimmy Kimmel a bum! Betray Ukraine! Roll back those beautiful tariffs so Americans aren’t forced to put their Thanksgiving feast on a line of credit! Tell a female reporter, “Quiet, Piggy!” Wait. I know … demand “Rush Hour 4.”
President Piggy has always loved showbiz more than politics. Before he started blowing his father’s money in real estate, he produced a Broadway show that was a flop. His fondest memories are from “The Apprentice.” He loves music. His dance moves come from the heart, even if he always looks like a Big & Tall mannequin getting tased by gorillas in slo-mo.
Hollywood is another aspirational playground for the man who lusts for fame.
Most people know Trump had a cameo in “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.” He also appeared in “Zoolander,” “Eddie,” “The Associate,” “Ghosts Can’t Do It” and “The Little Rascals.” In the ’90s, if you had a camera and crew, Trump was keen to walk through a shot or snarl into a flip phone.
Those cameo days are over.
Now he wants total control of all media and entertainment.
A Variety headline this week: “‘Rush Hour 4’ in the Works at Paramount at Trump’s Request.” From the story: “The long-gestating sequel is reportedly the beneficiary of some Oval Office intervention: President Donald Trump had personally requested that the studio revive the franchise, as first reported by Semafor.”
I am conflicted. No president or prime minister should influence what movies get produced. Vladimir Putin is no Roger Ebert. If it were up to Mark Carney, we’d all be watching lethally dull docs on monetary policy.
Then again, I’m jazzed for “Rush Hour 4.” The first three — released in 1998, 2001 and 2007 — were box office hits and blasts of buddy cop fun.
But why does Trump care about reuniting Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan after 18 years? These are two guys ICE would instinctively try to deport.
The answer is hidden in that Variety story: “Brett Ratner, who directed the first three installments before his career was derailed in 2017 by #MeToo allegations, is returning to direct the fourth film. The filmmaker has gotten close to the first family while directing the ‘Melania’ documentary, which Amazon paid $40 million to release.”
Is this sketchy and transactional? Sure. With Trump, it always is. But here’s what matters: every minute this social arsonist is focused on film is one less minute for the gremlins to dream up idiotic economic and foreign policies that are slow dragging the world into the abyss.
Hollywood? Do us a favour. Instead of protesting Trump, co-opt Trump.
Bring him into your caviar-and-champagne world, but lavish him with Big Macs and Diet Coke. Invite him to lead pitch meetings. Sure, you may end up financing doomed projects — including a sequel to “Bloodsport” — but this might prevent an invasion of Greenland.
Larry Ellison? I get that Trump is the Tucker to your Chan. You are buddies. You both do your own stunts. Fine. But deep down, you know this lunatic is going to trigger a great depression. Then nobody will have moolah for your movies and streaming subscriptions.
Tell Trump you want him to produce “Rush Hour 4.” Tell him you need his creative eye on the set every day. Tell him to give script notes even if they are in Crayola.
Buy him a gold throne upon which he can watch the dailies.
Trump senses his political power is veering toward the end credits. He is a lame duck. His party is more dysfunctional than the Miss Universe Organization. Republicans will get annihilated in next year’s midterms. A blue tsunami is coming and Agent Orange needs a raft — one Hollywood can easily provide.
“Rush Hour 4” is a start. Now dangle other projects based on his favourite movies.
How about a remake of “Gone With the Wind” shot in his new ballroom? A reimagined “Citizen Kane” starring the Donald himself. Turn “Goodfellas” into “Cryptofellas.” “The Good, the Bad and Ugly” set in South Florida — lecherous septuagenarians get into shootouts with femme fatales who are Botoxed with Mar-a-Lago face and brandishing designer Glocks.
“You have to really know this business to understand that it’s a business.”
That’s what Chris Tucker told me in 2001 after we screened “Rush Hour 2.”
Despite the multiple bankruptcies, Trump fancies himself a great businessman. Hollywood is the business he longs to conquer. So let him. Give him a director’s chair to get him away from the Resolute Desk. Tell him to oversee the Oscars to keep him away from NATO.
Hollywood can save the world by giving Donald Trump something else to do.
