When will we stop slandering cats?
I ask after a headline in Science Alert this week: “Scientists Developed a Questionnaire To Find Out If Your Cat Is a Psychopath.” Other animals are not subjected to such scrutiny. Scientists aren’t trying to find out if your hamster is a narcissist. Or if turtles are agoraphobic.
Although, I did once ride a horse that was clearly bipolar.
The research, which started in 2021, sets out to quantify a “Model of Triarchic Psychopathy Factors” in domestic cats. The 46 queries are statements you grade on a six-point scale, from “does not describe my cat” to “describes my cat extremely well.”
Samples: “My cat does not appear to act guilty after misbehaving.” “My cat needs constant stimulation.” “My cat runs around the house for no apparent reason.”
Question for science: Doesn’t this describe all cats?
What’s next? A study to see if fish can swim?
The people building the generative AI models that are going to kill us all often say they don’t understand how these machines “think.” Ditto for cat owners.
Our four-legged pals are like AI. I never know what my cats are thinking. Sometimes they hallucinate while tracking invisible ghosts. Sometimes they are inexplicably hostile to gravity. Sometimes they knock over a vase and then glare at me with projected judgment, as if I am Diddy and they are the jury.
Those are the rules of engagement. I feed them, shelter them, nurture them, play with them, love them and talk to them: “Kitties, I’m so glad we defected from Leafs Nation!”
In exchange, they remain indifferent to my existence. It’s wonderful.
What I’d like is if science stopped trying to plant seeds of doubt in my head.
Dogs are glorified as “man’s best friend.” Cats are now compared to Jeffrey Dahmer.
There is a book on Amazon titled, “How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You.” Is this really necessary? Do I need longitudinal studies that find cats are serial killers at heart? Or that “cats are incredibly lazy.” Or that cats are “killing machines.” Or that cats are “naturally apathetic.”
Which is it?
Would my two cats, 18-month-old Bengal rescues, hurt a fly? Absolutely. They will murder anything that moves. This is why they are indoor cats. I must protect my backyard birds and squirrels. I can override any Triarchic Psychopathy.
When a much bigger raccoon wanders on the deck at night, my cats are ready to rumble behind those patio doors. Their ears go down. Their bodies tense up. The battle cry is a cute chirp. Tails start wagging back and forth like metronomes.
Then the raccoon toddles off and Willow and Flynn snap out of the spell.
If they were true psychopaths, they’d grab a meat cleaver out of the counter block and force me to unlock the door to help them rough up that raccoon for violating their territory. But they’ve never hurt me beyond attacking my wiggling toes under the duvet.
One of the 46 queries: “My cat disobeys house rules.”
Psst, scientists. Cats don’t speak English. How can you disobey if you don’t understand? My wife has house rules. Sometimes I feel like a cat: That cheesecake was for Saturday’s dinner party? You never told me. You did tell me? I’m sorry. Maybe you should just rub my belly?
Dogs can be trained with verbal commands. You can say scream an emergency order to a cat and it will just stare through your soul or yawn and lick itself. My cats do like music. After a shower, I let them in and we have a concert. Well, I sing. They emit squeaks that imply they’d prefer if I stopped singing so we can go downstairs to watch the sparrows they yearn to kill.
But would psychopaths tolerate my off-key ABBA?
Here’s the thing: all this feline pathologizing is undermining the spiritual joy of having fur babies in these anxious times. There was a global study this week of 30,000 pet owners. Some key findings: 58 per cent prefer to spend time with pets over loved ones when feeling stressed; 77 per cent are relaxed by talking to pets; and “pets are even encouraging us to take breaks from activities that can fuel our stress — from doomscrolling, chores, work and other tasks.”
Science should go back to studying the five-second rule or coming to a consensus on red wine. Is it good or bad for our health? Leave cats alone. We love them and they need our love. They are curious and goofy, demanding and easygoing. They purr in our laps and snooze on our pillows.
They meow soothing sanity into this crazy world.
Is my cat a psychopath? Science, I really don’t care.
