When Alessandra Orellana was set up by a friend with her now-husband, she was charmed by his enthusiasm. He planned creative get-to-know-you games and dropped by her parents’ house in the middle of the day with snacks and coffee. “It wasn’t like anybody else I’ve ever dated to be so excited about the prospect of the future together so early on,” said Orellana, a Toronto social worker. “He definitely had that high-energy, golden retriever vibe.”
The golden retriever boyfriend type is epitomized by Taylor Swift’s now-fiancé, Travis Kelce, who sang along lustily in the crowd at her concerts and proudly smooched her in front of his teammates on the football field. By contrast, the latest internet obsession is the black cat boyfriend, inspired by withdrawn, hot-and-cold Conrad Fisher from “The Summer I Turned Pretty.” Now, as it’s getting cold out, daters are debating which type they should be looking to cuddle up next to this winter.
Both terms emerged from lesbian communities: “black cat lesbians” are described as more feminine, sexy, mysterious, and aloof, while “golden retriever lesbians” are thought of as more masculine, extroverted, and excitable.
When the definitions are applied to straight men, they’re a little different: black cat boyfriends are introverted and elusive, while golden retriever boyfriends are warm, affectionate and emotionally supportive.
While the retriever’s universal friendliness can be endearing, some prefer the reservations of the cat. “I like my boyfriends aloof with other people but affectionate to those they feel safe with,” said Torontonian Zoe Leung, who happens to be a dog trainer. “I would not want someone who’s ‘friendly’ to everyone.”
When café owner Audra Williams met her husband, Haritha, he reminded her of her skittish orange tabby, who hid behind curtains when friends came over. “In those early days, I asked him what he was thinking an exhausting number of times. But just like my sweet orange cat, he is the most loving and loyal creature imaginable,” Williams said.
Now that they’ve been together seven years, Haritha is more outgoing in her presence. “He saves up any chatty effusiveness for when it’s just the two of us,” she said. “I don’t mind — it’s all the more special, and I know he’s always sincere.”
The tables are turned for Torontonian voice actor Hannah Gelman. “I’m definitely the black cat in the relationship,” said Gelman. Her fiancé, a second-grade teacher named Aaron, gets her out of the house and doing way more activities than she would on her own, and makes even menial tasks like grocery shopping seem fun. “He brings this joyous, infectious energy wherever he goes,” Gelman said. “He makes everybody feel like they’ve known him forever. Even when I hear him talking to the internet guy on the phone, it sounds like they’ve been lifelong friends.”
Really, the golden retriever versus black cat boyfriend trend is just the latest way to talk about attachment styles, said Toronto relationship expert Thais Gibson, founder of the Personal Development School. Golden retriever boyfriends represent secure and anxiously attached men, and black cat boyfriends represent avoidantly attached ones.
Because people with opposing attachment styles are often attracted to each other, golden retriever and black cat types often make good matches.
“From an attachment lens, we’re magnetized to whichever type represents the traits we haven’t grown into within ourselves yet,” Gibson said. “An anxiously attached person might find the lure of the avoidant very appealing, admiring their self-assuredness and independence. They may be drawn to the black cat because they trigger the thrill of earning affection.”
On the other hand, an avoidantly attached person is likely to be attracted to the warmth and care that anxiously attached people often provide. “You might find comfort in the golden retriever type because they show affection easily, prioritize connection, and provide safety and patience,” Gibson said.
Neither archetype is inherently better, Gibson assures, and what matters most is which type (or person) suits each individual.
Still, while many women have sought golden retriever boyfriends since Swift started dating Kelce two years ago, as the pair get ready to tie the knot, tweets and TikToks enamoured with standoffish heartthrobs like Conrad Fisher and “Gilmore Girls’” Jess Mariano suggest a shift in public opinion.
“I find that I cannot trust the expressed feelings of a man who is upbeat and happy with everyone,” said Louise, a Toronto writer who asked to keep her last name private. “Dogs were bred to be attentive. Bless them, they cannot be any other way. But when a cat loves you, you know you really earned it.”
