There were no breakthroughs on trade or sovereignty.
But on the upside, PM Mark Carney was not blindfolded and sent to an El Salvador gulag after his first meeting with Donald Trump on Tuesday. When reality distorts like a funhouse mirror, you feel grateful for any glimpse of normal contours. Wait. These two leaders are having a cordial chat inside the gaudy Oval Office? No one is shouting or making threats?
Give Mr. Carney an A+ for packing diplomacy into his carry-on.
What becomes of this new America-Canada relationship is anyone’s guess. Trump is more erratic than a honey badger on bath salts. Before I’m done writing, he may have slapped a 500 per cent tariff on maple syrup or asked SecDef Pete “Jack Daniels” Hegseth to jump on Signal to spitball plans to invade Manitoba.
But on Tuesday, mercifully, Carney sidestepped the expected lunacy.
He was respectful. He was charming. He listened with a poker face. He flattered his host as a “transformational president,” without pointing out even an asteroid strike can transform for the worse. He was also resolute when Trump grabbed a flint rock to spark his fever dream of annexing Canada as the “51st state.”
Dude, we are not Marla Maples. Stop hitting on us.
“If I may, as you know from real estate, there are some places that are never for sale,” said Carney, looking like a driving instructor after his student runs a red light.
“That’s true,” Trump said, subdued. He was hunched over and not inclined to fight.
I almost fell out of my chair. Trump only says “that’s true” when presented with the demonstrably false. He just hit a hole in one? That’s true. The 59th storey at Trump Tower is the 68th storey? That’s true. Melania loves spooning while blasting grunge? That’s true.
But here was Trump, momentarily disarmed, agreeing that Canada was not for sale. Sticking with the real estate motif, Carney compared our great country to the White House or Buckingham Palace, two other GPS halos Trump reveres.
“That’s true,” he said again, this time chuckling.
I almost fell out of my chair. Trump does not laugh when the cameras are rolling. One hundred monkeys could tickle him with feather dusters and that industrial scowl would remain. Yes, he also said “never say never” to Canada becoming the 51st state. But Carney had managed to soften Trump’s empire ambitions.
It was like watching a grown man go from demanding a triple-scoop ice cream cone to settling for a lick.
Trump still believes this could be a “wonderful marriage.” But deep down, he knows we fear an abusive relationship. Carney went to Washington this week to shut down this unwanted entreaty face to face: “Having met with the owners of Canada over the course of the campaign the last several months, it’s not for sale. It won’t be for sale, ever.”
We can debate Trump’s reaction to this pushback from a former central banker.
The body language experts were divided. Some said Trump exuded alpha dominance by patting Carney on the knee. Others said Trump clearly respected Carney. Across the pond, the Independent was inspired: “Mark Carney’s Oval Office Talks Were a Blueprint for the UK on How to Handle Trump.”
As we tremble in the fetal position through this uncertainty, Carney has one big thing going for him: He is not Justin Trudeau. Trump loathes our former PM more than he hates Beyond Meat. He probably wanted to annex Canada just to deport Trudeau to Gitmo and fill mothballed Bay stores with MAGA souvenirs.
Now he’s toning down his conquest bluster thanks to Carney: “I like him better.”
This is the binary Trump Galaxy in which we are all trapped. Everything is about “likes” and “dislikes.” Trump like meme coin scams! Trump no like judicial oversight! It’s a thumbs-up and thumbs-down regime in which subjective whims T-bone global affairs for no apparent reason.
Putin gets a pass and Greenland is in the crosshairs? Trump could announce plans to change the name of the Statue of Liberty to GTFO or ban fortune cookies and the red hats would wobble into a rapturous standing ovation.
“Yeah! We don’t need those Chinese fortunes! The lottery numbers never win!”
Carney had one job on Tuesday: normalize relations with an abnormal narcissist.
He nailed his mission. By the end of the day, Trump was praising their discussion and not jumping on Truth Social to smear his Canadian counterpart as a radical left-wing lunatic. The reset button was hit. This may only last until Friday. But for now, it’s comforting to know our new PM was neither bullied nor bamboozled by Agent Orange. He held his ground by dutifully avoiding the quicksand.
With the subdued laughs, it was almost as if Trump longed to be his friend.
Mr. Carney goes to Washington and brings back hope.
