I asked Google’s AI to identify the laziest person in history.
It said this is impossible. Laziness is subjective. It can’t be measured. Then, strangely, it offered unnamed examples of lazy historical figures, including: “One person was so lazy that mice were able to eat their way into his head while he let them.”
Here’s what we know: lazy is pejorative. Slacker, listless, couch potato, bludger, sloth, torpid, loafer, snail — we don’t use these put-downs on mountain climbers. That said, Netflix’s overhyped boxing match between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson did exude laziness. Or maybe Tyson suddenly realized he was a 58-year-old man in the ring with a 27-year-old behemoth.
Standing still and biting his gloves became a survival strategy.
I digress. Or I forgot what this column is about, which could mean I’m lazy.
According to a Finnish meta-analysis published this month, sedentary lifestyles are correlated with poorer working memory. Is this why your friend who can kill hours in front of the TV always forgets what happened last episode? And your other friend, a fervent jogger, never forgets her keys on the way out?
Per Science Daily: “The working memory advantage for athletes over non-athletes was found across different types of sports and performance levels. Interestingly, this advantage was more pronounced when athletes were contrasted with a sedentary population, compared to the analysis where the sedentary population was excluded …”
Not fair. I’m not an athlete and am now at greater risk of forgetting my address?
There are moments when I can see the wisdom of lazy. Look at this month’s U.S. election. A story this week in U.S. News & World Report cited data from the University of Florida Election Lab. There were roughly 245 million eligible voters — and about 90 million were too lazy to bother.
Is that terrible for society? Yes. But on an individual basis, those apathetic souls are now liberated from caring about the consequences of their inaction.
My wife and I were getting the yard prepped for Jack Frost this weekend. This is the downside of home ownership: mindless, repetitive, gloomy seasonal tasks you need to perform like a circus monkey until you are as dead as the fallen leaves you last bagged.
Nobody ever asks to be buried with their rake.
It’s time to stop shaming the lazy. “Lazy” is like coffee or red wine: the scientific consensus keeps flipping. Researchers are now linking lazy with impaired memory? Here are a few contradictory headlines from recent years: “Research Suggests Being Lazy Is a Sign of High Intelligence.” “Why Lazy People Are More Productive.” “Being Lazy Can Help You Live Longer.” “Lazy People Are More Successful!” “Lazy People Have The Best Sex.”
Not sure how that last one works. But you know what I love about the lazy, beyond loving I’ll never be recruited to portage? Their authenticity. Have you ever had a friend cancel social plans without offering a good excuse? Many moons ago, a friend asked if we could reschedule dinner. She didn’t claim to have the flu. She didn’t say her car broke down. She didn’t say an army of rodents were skulking outside to gnaw into her brain.
At the last minute, she was “too lazy” to get dressed up and go out.
The older I get, the more I admire such honesty.
You know why there is a spike in laziness? Technology. We are tethered to screens. Our bodies are immobilized while our minds are always racing. That’s a bad combo for getting stuff done. It can lead anyone to think, “Trump won? Screw it, I’m hibernating until 2028.”
You can now blame everything on tech. Why aren’t kids playing outside? Instagram. Why are there so many singers who can’t sing? Auto-Tune. Why am I winded ambling to my theatre seats? Combustion engine. Why is Aunt Peggy proposing a virtual Christmas this year? Zoom. (And zero cleanup — make your own turkey and wash your own dishes.)
On Monday evening, I was grilling chicken breasts when the propane ran out after five minutes. Realizing it was now the toaster oven or marital salmonella, a haze of expletives tumbled from my lips as I shook my fist at the pewter sky: “Damn you, low tech!”
Lazy people should stand up for themselves. They should forcefully reject this bigotry. If that takes too much effort, I’ll do it for them. Listen up, Lazy Bums! Do not feel ashamed for not wanting to engage with this bonkers world. Avoid the rat race, stay off the hamster wheel, be as quiet as a mouse as you stare at the walls while biting your gloves. You do you.
Life can’t deliver a knockout if you never get in the ring.
Lazy people are … lazy people are … my mind just blanked.
