It’s the Super Bowl of God Help Us All.
In advance of Thursday’s presidential debate, it’s been amusing to watch the lickspittles and town criers in Trumpville bang their panic gongs to make pre-emptive excuses for why Dear Leader may crash and burn at the podium: CNN is in cahoots with the White House! The moderators will cut his mic! Joe Biden will be high as a kite!
That last one is now a MAGA fever dream. To watch Fox News in recent days, you’d think Biden was a Russian weightlifter about to cheat at the Olympics.
Sleepy Joe is now Jacked Up Joe. He’s gone from senile to Barry Bonds.
Biden hasn’t spent the last week at Camp David for debate prep. No way! He is strapped to a gurney in a subterranean lair where Deep State biochemists funded by the Trilateral Commission are injecting him with drug cocktails to give his brain the power of AI.
It’s almost too ridiculous to take apart. If these two men with a combined age of 159 years — that’s older than the Statue of Liberty — were competing in the 100-metre dash on Thursday, fine, test them both for performance-enhancing drugs.
But I’ve never heard of a PED for a DEBATE. Steroids won’t help you at a spelling bee. If you could think up winning arguments by being “jacked up,” Jason Momoa would now lead the Harvard College Debating Union.
The only substance in Biden’s bloodstream is Ovaltine.
No matter. Desperate to always upend reality and conjure a sideshow, the red hats are demanding Biden get tested for an unnamed, magical potion they claim will turn him into a cognitive superhero on Thursday at a political event that has no banned substances.
Biden should freak them out and show up with a bong.
Have you noticed how those calling for a sitting president to be drug tested are mum about screening their sweaty guy? This is what happens when you live at the intersection of projection and confession. The red hats know there’s a good chance Mr. Convicted Felon’s blood-work might reveal Adderall, Dexedrine, Viagra, dangerous levels of aspartame, Clairol Nice’n Easy, uppers, pumpkin paste, bennies and all 11 of KFC’s secret herbs and spices.
As an aside, wouldn’t it be weird if there really was a drug that could help you win debates? Every husband I know would now have a dealer on speed dial.
So what will happen Thursday night when the two presidential candidates get onstage in Atlanta to trade barbs in two-minute sound bites? Your guess is better than mine. But if past is prologue, it will be a gloomy night in Trumpville.
Inhaling lies in a parallel universe makes for a bumpy re-entry into reality.
What you are likely to see on CNN is one candidate who has command of policy and another who has no command of his emotions. One candidate will offer a vision of hope and unity. The other will offer a litany of made-up grievances. One candidate has a track record of getting things done for others. The other has a track record of narcissism.
One candidate can be trusted with the nuclear codes. The other can’t be trusted with the QR codes for a bingo hall. One candidate functions with decency and empathy. The other calls fallen soldiers suckers and losers.
One candidate is a man devoted to his faith and family. The other is an adjudicated rapist who cheated on his pregnant wife with a porn star and is responsible for why women have fewer reproductive rights than their grandmothers once did.
One candidate fights for democracy. The other is an election denier who yearns to be BFFs with Vladimir Putin. One candidate wakes up to govern. The other wakes up to watch cable news, golf, tan, devour fast food and do media hits with starry-eyed sycophants.
The choice in November? It’s between a steady hand and an erratic flying fist.
It’s the United States of America or the Failed State of Trumpville.
If it doesn’t go well for Dear Leader on Thursday, prepare for a tsunami of false allegations and smears. The CNN moderators, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, will be called illegitimate love-children of George Soros. The red hats will claim deep fake audio garbled the responses to make Mr. Convicted Felon sound bad. Sean Hannity will huff and puff to Fox viewers, shouting about how Biden clearly freebased Ginkgo biloba and was standing for 90 minutes on bionic drone legs remotely operated backstage by Wolf Blitzer.
Then cultists will go to Mar-a-Lago to sip Freedom2o under an upside-down flag.
Joe Biden doesn’t need to be perfect to win Thursday’s debate.
He just needs to remind voters it is the red hats who are jacked up on crazy.
