Doug Wallace is a Toronto-based lifestyle writer and editor-publisher of TravelRight.Today. He is a consummate entertainer and social convener with strong opinions — and razor-sharp common sense. Ask your lifestyle etiquette questions at [email protected].
Let’s face it: things happen. Sometimes your best-laid entertaining plans have to be postponed or the guest list has to shrink in some way. Alas, there’s no good way to cancel an invitation, but there are a few less-awkward ways to tell someone directly and respectfully that dinner at your house is off.
If you have to cancel, period
A family situation, unavoidable work emergency, sickness, accident, act of God: disasters come in all shapes and sizes, and dinner is ruined. Don’t panic, simply telephone everyone — no texts or emails — and relate the bad news. State your reason, apologize and promise a rain check. When your world rights itself, make good on that rain check.
If dinner needs to be smaller
“I’ve realized I can’t host the full group comfortably, so I need to reset my plan slightly” is an honest yet polite way to put it, or “I’ve had to scale the dinner back a bit and would instead like to include you another time.”
Feigning capacity-math illiteracy does work, but not all the time, so employ it sparingly. Feel free to jazz this up by promising better food or more interesting fellow guests next time. Reframing it in this way makes it about the plan, not the person (even though the problem might very well be the person), which brings us to…
If someone is now dead to you
“In light of [your spat with the guest of honour, your affair with my husband, your leprosy diagnosis, your arrest for murder — insert heinous situation here], I think it best we forget about dinner next week until you and I can discuss the matter fully and privately.” Be respectful, even if you don’t want to.
In all cases
Clarity is required: “I won’t be able to have you to dinner.” Brevity will soften the blow, so resist the urge to overexplain.
Take the least painful route, and remember that honesty is the best policy, however inconvenient the truth may be. Inventing an excuse usually backfires. If you really do have to lie, make it a doozy: “My husband broke a dining-room chair, so someone has to go! Hope you understand!”
