I’m smiling. Too much.
It’s the same toothy grin I give anytime a camera is pointed my way. The one I’ve hated seeing in photographs for as long as I can remember.
The photographer guiding my shoot, Veronica Kucherov, owner of Vongue Art Photography, is patient as I try to unclench my jaw and relax into being a model for a day. It’s unfamiliar territory for me. I’ve always felt awkward in front of the lens — even vacation selfies give me the ick.
So, why on earth did I agree to a private portrait session?
I met Kucherov at a networking event in North York, where she told me about her photo series, The Reinvention Portrait Experience, and how it helps women reconnect with themselves by celebrating the beauty of aging.
“The older we get, the more invisible we’re made to feel,” she said. “I wanted to push back against the idea that we somehow expire after a certain age. Like there’s some deadline where your value drops or you’re suddenly less relevant.”
As a 46-year-old feminist, I loved the idea, but when Kucherov suggested I do a session myself, I recoiled so hard I’m surprised I didn’t give myself whiplash.
Of course, my discomfort is entirely the point. Women — especially those of us over 40 — aren’t supposed to put ourselves first. Society has long told us we’re not supposed to admire our bodies and say out loud, “I am beautiful.”
“It’s deeply disempowering that women are conditioned to hate how we look,” said Lucille Necas, a Toronto-based psychiatrist who’s done two photo shoots with Kucherov. “There’s been so much conversation about women coming into their own power, but if you don’t feel good about yourself, you’re still disempowered.”
My own empowerment began with a one-hour consultation to discuss the outfits I would wear, the mood I wanted to convey and what to expect on the day. Even so, I was nervous heading into my three-hour shoot that would include full hair and makeup.
Kucherov assured me that nerves were normal. Many people take some time to ease into the experience. Soon I’d forget the camera was even there.
‘Really?’ I thought skeptically.
As a writer used to being behind the scenes, it felt strange being the focus of attention. But it was also thrilling. I had admittedly come in with a mission — I needed new headshots and used that as justification for the shoot. I was focused on the end result rather than the experience and didn’t want to get it wrong.
But Kucherov reminded me that the product was the photographer’s job, not mine. We’re so used to snapping pics on our phones and checking them immediately (and reposing when we don’t like what we see). She encouraged me to play rather than perform, to release my perfectionism and simply let the camera catch me in the now.
So, I twisted and twirled and lounged on a chair in a party dress I adore with my head tossed back. And at some point, I realized I was enjoying myself. The tension in my cheeks had eased. My eyes held a softer focus. I posed in ways that showcased body parts I normally hide behind crossed arms and hunched shoulders. The camera wasn’t in control — I was.
That sense of control was one of the things that brought Kari Gonsalves, a teacher with the Toronto District Catholic School Board, to her own photo shoot. After multiple pregnancies, including a tragic loss of premature triplets, her body was finally starting to feel like her own again, and she wanted to celebrate that.
She was also rebelling against the impossible beauty standards that had haunted her for years. “The ‘90s were hard — the Kate Moss era of being skinny; no one was allowed to be unique,” she said. “I was always overlooked because I didn’t fall into the typical mold of what beauty was. But I’ve started to grow into accepting this is who I am.”
Lisa Jackson, a Hamilton, Ont.,-based journalist, also turned to portraits to reclaim her sense of self after a high-risk pregnancy left her resenting a body that she felt was no longer her own. Once her child was a bit older and she was able to make time for herself, she booked a boudoir photo session with Her Era Studios.
“The shoot was a way to celebrate my body,” she said. “I wanted to capture how I look right now, so I can look back when I’m 80 and think, ‘Damn, I was hot!’ Because women never think our bodies are good enough.”
I too want to stop shying away from the camera because I want to be able to look back at myself years from now. I want photos that honour where I was at every stage of life, regardless of how imperfect I may have felt at the time.
“Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves,” said Gonsalves. “Every time I walk by my photos, I smile. It’s been five years and I’m still like, ‘Look at me — I’m a babe!’”
To my surprise, I had a blast being a model for a moment. And the experience has made me rethink how I look at myself in the mirror, toothy grin and all. I’m learning to be gentler with myself, to cherish where I am now. Maybe I’ll even learn to love selfies.
5 tips to feel ready to get your photo taken
1. Don’t overthink it
No, you don’t need to binge old episodes of “Canada’s Next Top Model” beforehand or perfect your best angle. “A lot of women think they need to know how to pose or be photogenic. That’s a myth,” said Kucherov. “It’s not their job unless they’re professional models, and that’s not who we’re talking about.”
2. Don’t be afraid to be bold or silly
In hindsight, I wish I had brought more whimsical outfits with brighter colours and had loosened up more. I was worried about looking like “too much,” but “too much” can look great on camera.
3. Give yourself a full day
The shoot may only be a few hours, but you want to be well-rested. Not only to look your best, but to really immerse into the experience. I was surprised by how exhausted I felt afterwards. Don’t burn out or waste the buzz by cramming it in mid-work day.
4. Vet your photographer
Photo sessions are not cheap, and there’s a wide range of price points out there, with varying inclusions (makeup, hair, digital prints, physical prints and even custom wall art). Make sure you know what you’re getting and that the photographer makes you feel comfortable. “The biggest mistake is not finding the right photographer and feeling like you have to figure everything out on your own,” said Kucherov.
5. Look at your photos like they’re of someone you love
I’ll admit I struggled when it came time to review my photos, immediately zeroing in on my flaws. “I often tell women to look at their photos the way they would look at someone they love,” said Kucherov. “That’s when you stop picking yourself apart and start seeing the essence, the mood, the energy, and you begin to fall in love with yourself again.”
