Justin Trudeau faced a choice when the World Cup started: boyfriend or patriot?
I don’t judge new relationships. They have their own physics. A new boyfriend or girlfriend can do no wrong. They can suggest any date — from antiquing to bungee jumping — and you will exclaim, “That sounds amazing!”
So, today, I must defend our former PM who is taking buckshot from the internet’s grassy knoll after he was MIA during Team Canada’s opening game in Toronto on Friday. His new girlfriend, Katy Perry, was performing at the FIFA opening ceremony in California.
Trudeau shunned Exhibition Place and packed his fancy socks for SoFi Stadium.
He picked love over country. And you know what? He made the right call.
This weekend, while retweeting a New York Times story about his controversial decision, Mr. Trudeau added: “Sometimes supportive boyfriend duties call. But you know who I’m rooting for to take the Cup.”
He ended with a Canadian flag emoji. It was really a heart emoji.
Dude, why are you explaining? You traded politics for puppy love. Boyfriend duties make sense. Is Team Canada going to wince if you forget its birthday? Do you need to remember Team Canada’s go-to drink is Purple Lune? Did Team Canada ever adopt a rescue cat named Kitty Purry?
Can Team Canada ever break up with you?
A Tuesday story in People: “Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau Pack on PDA During Cozy Couple’s Picnic After She Called Him the ‘Love of My Life.’”
In one paparazzi snap from a Santa Barbara park, Trudeau is sprawled supine on a gingham blanket, his lips in kissing formation near her nose. In another, he is splayed on his side, as if he just fell out of a tree. She stares into the distance in sunglasses and a bucket straw hat.
It’s not clear if she sees an ice cream truck or a love that will outlast the cosmos.
I see two people in these sunshiny photos who’ve been romantically burned before. I see a divorced 54-year-old man and father of three. I see a 41-year-old and mother of one whose past lovers include Russell Brand and Orlando Bloom.
I see two people who never want to splash again in the dating pool.
Good for them. The world needs more relationship loyalty, more resilience to the selfish impulses that render romantic bonds null and void. A decade from now, will Katy find the way Justin chews his filet mignon unbearably annoying? Maybe. Will he pull out one of his teeth with pliers so an emergency dental visit keeps him from attending a concert in Budapest? Probably.
But for now, they are head over heels.
Let’s be honest. The job of Prime Minister is less stressful than the job of Katy Perry’s boyfriend. A bilateral trade gone awry isn’t going to give you the cold shoulder for a week. Blathering on about diversity is easier than remembering she likes her eggs scrambled with scallions. You can run up the national debt without any fear of getting asked to sleep on the couch.
Katy & Justin are a great couple because they both yearn to be together in the public eye. The selfies. The Instagram entreaties. The come hither eyes as they pose on the red carpet at the Tribeca Festival or scarf down fast food at Coachella. They have a combined age of 95 and are carrying on like horny teenagers. This is new love as social media exhibitionism.
The same is not true for most other politicians. I can’t picture Mark Carney divorcing Diana Fox after leaving office and then posting TikToks in which his new girlfriend Madonna flogs his Speedo with a riding crop while aboard a yacht in the Caribbean. Not happening.
Take pity on poor Trudeau. He has no margin for error. It’s not as if he is dating a normie who worked as an executive assistant on Parliament Hill. His new girlfriend went to space. Her stage costumes are inspired from both aliens and sunflowers. She has hydraulic bras that dispense beer and metallic crotch plates that could deflect a bullet. She writes songs about kissing girls and liking it.
That’s a lot of pressure on Trudeau in the bedroom.
A quiet evening at home with Perry likely involves pyrotechnics, costume changes and backup dancers dressed as sharks as you are trying to watch “Wheel of Fortune.” This is why we must be sympathetic to Trudeau’s “boyfriend duties.” The man survived years of Question Period. His marriage to Sophie Grégoire was not as fortunate. He has learned hard lessons in the wash of both.
And you expect him to blow this over a soccer game that ended 1-1?
There are no ties in love — there are only missed kicks.
Justin Trudeau picked Katy Perry over Team Canada at the World Cup.
She is his new sunny ways.
