Doug Wallace is a Toronto-based lifestyle writer and editor-publisher of TravelRight.Today. He is a consummate entertainer and social convener with strong opinions — and razor-sharp common sense. Ask your lifestyle etiquette questions at [email protected].
Good for you for taking charge of your life and not indiscriminately succumbing to every invitation that lands in your lap. I encourage this selectivity. Sometimes, free wine is not a good enough reason to iron a shirt.
Always respond in a timely fashion to an invitation, as this is helpful to your hosts, who are trying to make plans with a dozen balls in the air — perhaps two dozen.
That said, take a small breath first. Being a touch-something-once kind of person, I’ve jumped on invitations too quickly, then regretted my choices later on (both the yeses and the nos). Absolutely no last-minute decisions, or that could be the last invitation you get.
Do you have to give a reason for declining? Usually, but not always. Feel free to be as specific as you want — you’re going away, you have a house guest that weekend.
If you don’t have a good explanation, keep the messaging to a polite evasion like “I can’t make it this time” or “I’ve got an early morning the next day.” “I already have plans” is a tad frosty, but it does the job.
Honesty may not always be the best policy. It’s OK to invent a mild excuse to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, allowing for an escape without creating conflict. After all, social life runs on tact. In the past, I have offered an absurdity (“I have to stay home to wash my cat”) or ambiguity (“I have to see the lawyer that day”), both of which have shut everything down.
I think people see through “I’m sick” pretty quickly unless you sound like it.
Networking or work events are different, in that you don’t need to produce a reason to bow out, merely reply that you can’t attend. When people ask you to send “regrets only,” generally for larger events, they mean it. Note that when the invitation cites RSVP, you have to follow through. And changing your mind on the day of the event can seem odd.
However you arrive at your refusal, always thank the asker for thinking of you. I offer my “best of luck with it all” to add a show of support.
One last thing: Not to chide, but for me — and perhaps, I hope, for many others — “invite” is still a verb.
