Q My daughter was just dumped by her girlfriend of three years and she’s devastated. They’re young, only 20, and they’ve been together since high school. I understand why her girlfriend wanted to break up; she talked to me on the patio on her way out that night. She wants to grow without my daughter for a while to see what that’s like.
She told me she loves my daughter and is sad she had to break up with her but she wants to grow as an individual. I understand her but I’m not sure how to support my daughter without her thinking I’m taking her girlfriend’s side.
A Your daughter will be blinded by hurt and surprise/shock in the beginning. Just focus on that. Let her cry on your shoulder and agree with her this was a shock and unfair, etc. Let her go through all the feelings and simply support her through them.
Upset, shock, disbelief, anger, sadness …. let them all wash over her.
When she’s calm in a day or two or even a week talk through it with her. Without saying you support her ex, tell your daughter how you can see her ex’s point of view. How you had been wondering yourself if they should take a break for the same purposes. Show your daughter how this can be a good thing.
They’re both so young, she’ll get over it. It just takes time.
Q My girlfriend’s parents have quite a bit of money and my girlfriend is, admittedly, quite spoiled. Whatever she wants, she gets. If there’s a new style of jean that’s hot in the moment, she’s allowed, with their blessing, to buy a few pairs and put it on their credit card. She’s obsessed with Starbucks and Heal and always has one in her hand. Stanley water bottle? She has a few in multiple colours. The new Alo headband? She has a few of those as well.
None of this bothers me because it’s her life, her money, her parents. What does bother me though is she expects me to buy her things whenever she says, “Oooh, I want that!” My parents aren’t poor, but they raised me differently. I don’t get everything I ask for, and they don’t pay for everything I want just because they can.
I work on the weekends and during school (I’m in university) and I’m trying to save money to buy a car. I don’t want to buy my girlfriend a cute hat simply because she saw it in a window and I know she has 17 more just like it. But now she’s mad at me.
A Talk to your girlfriend. Tell her this isn’t a reflection of your feelings or your relationship. Explain to her you are saving up for a car and every dollar you spend on her whims is a dollar less saved. That doesn’t mean you won’t buy her gifts on her birthday or whenever but you just don’t have an expendable income to spend on unimportant and trivial items.
If her parents are willing to allow her to use their credit card for whatever she wants then she should continue to do so. That shouldn’t have any bearing on you, your relationship, etc. Tell her you love her and you want to be able to spend your hard-earned money on her when the time is right. That buying her whatever she wants when she wants diminishes the importance of gifts, in your opinion.
FEEDBACK Regarding the lost life (June 12):
Reader: “From the description, it sounds like this woman is suffering from a major heath issue, and having some trouble coping, as she seems to have withdrawn.
“Since you’re not close, next time you meet I think it’s OK to ask, ‘How have you been doing?’ If she wants to talk, great, but if she doesn’t, let it go.”
FEEDBACK Regarding halitosis (June 18):
Reader: “Three patients with such horrific halitosis it causes a masked hygienist to vomit? Halitosis so bad she can detect the odour in the waiting room?
“Perhaps the first event over-sensitized her and now she vomits with even the slightest odour. But she’s an oral health provider and she and the dentist must address the patient’s problem, referring them to appropriate help if it’s beyond their own expertise.
“Meanwhile, she could try rubbing VapoRub under her nose. It’s how police officers and pathologists deal with the smell of decay.”
